Casa de Caram

Quick Update

2012-01-06T07:34:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had posted anything. It has been a crazy few weeks with the holidays, family in town, going out of town, etc. Needless to say, it is also very difficult to get a few spare moments to sit down with a toddler running all over the house and demanding my attention.

Freddie has decided to go forward with applying for the study. We will be traveling to Bethesda, Maryland. It took a lot of work on his end getting all of his records (which, by now, are spread out around the country) to one place.

In the meantime, he had applied to the drug company that our insurance denied. They approved him. All of his doctors advised him to try the study first and then see if he will need to try the other drug (the inhibitor).

We don't know much about the trial drug. It is a pill he will take for a week, be off for a week, and then travel back to Maryland every two weeks for testing. I think we will know rather quickly if it is working.

Please pray for his healing, safe travels, and that all goes smoothly with getting into this study.

Our greatest joy continues to be our son. It is hard to leave him, though we know he is in good hands, but much easier to see doctors and get tests accomplished without him in tow.

Thank you for your prayers and support. We feel very loved and blessed by the thoughts and prayers from you.

A Mother's Love

2011-12-19T19:56:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how far the journey over the last 2 1/2 years has taken us. I remember, on May 19th, 2009 feeling so overwhelmed and cheated out of the chance to be Anna Sophia's mommy. At that time, I couldn't imagine taking the risk of having another child and felt that it would be years into my future before I was ready for that step again.

Well, we think we make plans, but God laughs. ;) Thanks to the amazing support system I have through family, faith, and friends, I was able to begin to heal and move forward. Less than a year later, we felt ready to continue our journey as a family and figured it would take a while to get pregnant again...it didn't.

Exactly 19 months after losing my daughter, I was amazingly blessed with a beautiful son. I remember the moment I had him and he started crying I literally said, "That's my baby. That's my baby's cry." I already knew him in this crazy, intricate way.

Isn't it funny how we plan? How we think that we can map out our lives and they will go a certain way?

Anyway, today, I celebrate the life that God so graciously blessed Freddie and I to bring into this world. The love I have for him is beyond imaginable and beyond explanation. Words on this page would never do it justice. And it still amazes me how that tiny little bundle brought Freddie and me all the more closer.

I play music almost daily while I'm cooking/doing dishes/cleaning/etc...This is when Will and I have some special time, ironically. We almost always dance.

I was playing Rascal Flatts, one of my favorite bands. This song came on and it so perfectly expressed what I wish for my son.

William Thomas, we pray every day that your life would be blessed. That you would grow into a strong man who knows his God, knows himself, and knows how to love others. That you would find grace and mercy in all that you do. And that you will always know the love your father and I have for you.

Will Does "Gene Simmons"

2011-12-10T18:07:00.001-08:00

I teach this sweet boy all kinds of sign language, where his nose, ears, etc. are, but what does he learn? Obviously, his father has way more influence over him than I do. ;)

New Update

2011-11-29T09:21:00.001-08:00

Our insurance denied Freddie's medicine because it is not FDA approved for thymic cancer. It has been approved for other cancers, but since it isn't approved for his, the insurance looks at the bottom line and will not approve it. We are currently in the appeal process with our insurance company and also going through an application process with the drug company to see if they can assist us in getting the drug.

Freddie visited his two oncologists yesterday in Dallas. The first one he saw was new. She is a thymic specialist and would like for Freddie to visit the country's leading thymic specialist in Indiana. When Freddie met with his other oncologist yesterday afternoon, he agreed that this was a good idea and knows the doctor also. He also put in a call to the doctor and we will be visiting Indiana in December.

I know this is short and sweet, but this is all we know for now. I have no idea what we will find out in Indiana. I'm beginning to feel like doctor after doctor doesn't know what to do so we are being passed around to specialist after specialist. It is such a situation of uncertainty and disbelief. "I can't believe this is happening," "How could he have such a rare cancer," "What is going to happen and what is life going to be like for the next few months/years."

Please pray for us. And please look at life and be grateful for the blessings and health you have been given. We can't take anything in this world for granted and we don't know how long we are given. Hug and love on the ones you love, cease every moment, and live like there is no tomorrow. None of us are guaranteed to be here.

Blessings and love for now,

The Carams

Update

2011-11-23T07:19:00.001-08:00

I realize I haven't been the best at blogging lately. We have had so much going on and, honestly, it's been difficult to sit down and process all of my thoughts and feelings, fears and worries about everything that has happened.

We spent two weeks in Houston at MD Anderson. Thankfully, we were able to find a small apartment very close by. We are so appreciative to the friends that help us arrange it.

A few days before Freddie's surgery, he had several tests and procedures including a C/T Scan and MRI. That evening, we both received calls from his surgeon. When Freddie was able to reach him, he shared the news that they had found a new tumor on his left shoulder blade. The cancer had spread and surgery was cancelled. He wanted to do a biopsy of the new tumor and Freddie pushed to have a new biopsy of his right lung. There had been many signs along our journey pointing us to the fact that he may have been misdiagnosed.

They were able to squeeze Freddie in for his biopsy several days later. It was a long, stressful day managing my husband and son, but we got through it and had to wait a week to find out the results.

In the meantime, we tried to enjoy ourselves as much as possible. Day trips to the beach in Galveston, visits from various family members and close friends, walks in the park, rides on the kiddie train, and a day at the zoo. It was nice to be together and cherish our time in Houston in some small way.

When we met with the doctor he informed us that Freddie had been misdiagnosed. He was diagnosed with Thymoma in May, but he actually has Thymic cancer. This is a much more aggressive disease and there is very little known about it. Thankfully, we caught it before an unnecessary surgery was completed.

On our last day in Houston, Freddie had a PET scan. We found out the following week that there are two more spots. One on his lombar and one on his pelvis.

His doctors at MD Anderson have allowed us to continue treatment here at home. Freddie's doctors are now in Dallas. His oncologist has decided to put him on an inhibitor that has been successful with other cancers. This is a drug that, if successful, could be taken for years. It does not have the side effects of chemo, which can only be taken for a limited time. Unfortunately, we are having a lot of trouble getting our insurance to approve it since the FDA hasn't approved it for this specific type of cancer. If that is the case, I don't know what the next step is. I guess more chemo and fights with the insurance company until they can see the value in my husband's life.

Words on this page can't express our fears, anxieties, stress, anger, and frustration. However, we are trying to remain optimistic and upbeat, if nothing else, for our son. We try to remain positive and keep things as normal as possible for him.

Someday, I hope we look back together and remember this stressful time and see the value in the way it helped us grow in our faith and love for each other. I believe he can be healed. We lay it in God's hands and hope that this works out the best way it can.

Please continue to pray for our family. For healing, peace, and wisdom in making the right decisions; for grace and strength as we face the unknown; and for blessings for all of those who have taken time, prayers, money, etc. to help support our family.

Right now, this is all we know. Most people want to know the prognosis of this cancer and it is not good. Doctors are very wary of giving you any definite answers. They don't want to limit their abilities and make you fearful. It is also best to stay positive because that is the number one way to become a survivor.

I know you may have questions. Please address them with caution. Being asked the same things over and over becomes difficult. It makes you doubt every decision you make and becomes frustrating when you don't have answers. I really have shared everything we know right now.

For now, we are in Fort Worth. We plan on celebrating this week with thanksgiving for all the blessings we have been given. Then, we have a precious almost-one-year-old to celebrate, followed by Christmas.

If cancer has taught me one thing, it is "carpe diem". Take each day for everything it is worth and live. Enjoy your time with the ones you love and do your best to eliminate negative energy and people. When given opportunities, take them and live life to its fullest. I thought this was a lesson I had already learned, but obviously, God is continuing to teach it to me.

Thank you for thinking of us and may God give you much to be thankful for this holiday.

Blessings to you from the Carams.

10 Months!

2011-10-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

I know I probably say this every month, but I just can't believe how the time is flying! My little boy is already 10 months old.

He is crawling, standing, and working on walking. We are still learning sign language and I am hoping he is catching on...I know he is. When I make the sign for "milk", he always gets excited! Babble, babble, babble...boy can he be noisy! But, of course I love it...especially when I hear, "mamamamama". :)

Will is in to everything! Sometimes I wonder why I buy toys...he is so much more interested in anything BUT his toys. ;)

Freddie and I are so thankful for a baby that can travel well, especially with as much traveling as we have had to do lately. Between my brother's wedding, visiting family, and trips to Houston, this baby knows all about sitting in the car.

Will continues to be a good eater. He is eating more and more "big people" food. He likes feeding himself and doesn't seem to be too picky. I'm still trying to feed him as much organic, fruits, veggies, and whole grains as possible. We eat very little meat and it amazes me how well he eats beans and other high protein, non-meat foods.

I don't know if you can tell, but I am so in love with this little boy. He has completed our family and both Freddie and I can't imagine living life without him.

Now, I know what you've been waiting for:

Look at that big smile! {And did I mention he has 6 teeth?}

I think he's finally learning to keep his hat on...sort of.

My little cowboy. :)

Squinty smile.

As you can imagine, it is very hard to get pictures of a very active 10 month old. Please excuse the cameos of Freddie's legs/arms. Ha!

I hope this post finds you well and being blessed.

Love,

The Carams

More Pics

2011-10-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

Click here to see even more beautiful images by Arden Prucha.

Photo Session

2011-10-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

In an effort to capture my sweet boys and have memories, I booked a photo session with Arden Prucha Jenkins. You can click here to see a sneak peek of our evening on her blog.

How cute are my boys?

Fairways for Freddie

2011-10-05T18:15:00.000-07:00

Some of our wonderful friends have put together a fundraiser to help support us as we pay for treatment/living costs while our family is in Houston. It is a golf tournament, but not limited to men {Hint, hint to my girlfriends!}. I would love as many of our friends to come that can. It will be a great way to see everyone before we leave for Houston. Click here to register for the tourney. Please click here for more information on a donation. {You can make a donation on the link if you are unable to attend.}

Thank you, in advance, for all of your prayers and support! We are blessed with great friends and family and I pray God blesses you beyond measure in return.

Freddie Update

2011-09-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

I know many of our friends and family have been waiting for an update after our visit to MD Anderson last week. We are faced with an overwhelming journey ahead of us and it has taken some time to wrap our minds around all that lies ahead.

The surgeon is confident that surgery can be performed. Freddie will have his entire right lung removed followed by a chemo wash during the surgery. He will have to spend at least 7-10 days in the hospital recovering and at least another week in Houston before he can come home. I'm estimating we will be in Houston about a month for the prep, surgery, hospital stay, and recovery. We will come home for about a month or so and then need to return to Houston a week before he starts radiation. He will do at least 5 weeks of radiation every day and need to stay another week. That adds up to almost 2 months that we will be in Houston for his radiation treatments.

The most common question I am asked is if a person can live on one lung, and obviously, it is possible if the surgeon is going to perform the surgery. Apparently, is is fairly common for patients with mesothelioma to have this surgery done. Obviously, Freddie will have some physical limitations, but will hopefully be able to live a fairly normal life. As of right now, his diagnosis is still Thymoma, although every doctor has told us the way it has manifested in his body looks like mesothelioma.

Needless to say, we will be getting some kind of furnished apartment {hopefully}. There are many decisions to make, things to organize and changes coming in the next few months. It is a lot to take in. I think Freddie is mostly stressed about providing for his family, staying healthy and having a successful surgery and treatment. I'm stressed about having the energy to take care of him and our son. To be all that I need to be for both of my boys. We don't really know anyone in Houston and this is a scary time when we need all the support we can get. Please pray for our strength, courage, and grace as we face this difficult time.

We have also been faced with some needless stressful situations lately. Our plates are overflowing and we are trying to focus on what Freddie needs and wants to do before we go. Please pray for peace for our family. Please also pray that God will guide the surgeon's and all doctors and healthcare professionals hands, decisions, and minds. We speak wisdom, safety, and complete healing into this situation.

Your prayers, thoughts of encouragement, sweet notes, calls, and texts, and support of our little family mean so much to us and especially to Freddie. Thank you for being there and thinking of us. It is humbling to imagine all the prayers and thoughts that turn our way.

As soon as we know more, we will let you know. I do not want to post any dates in a public location. This is all we know right now.

I like to post bible verses because they help me focus on what I need to. I have never thought, nor will I ever think that I am a perfect person. I am simply a woman in need of a savior who loves me, gives me grace and forgiveness and peace.

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:33

9 Months

2011-09-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

It's a week late, but better late than never, right? Can you believe how C-U-T-E, cute this little boy is! We are so blessed to have him and he is truly what brings us joy during this uncertain time in our lives.

He is 31 inches long (literally off the growth chart) and between 20-21 lbs. He loves to crawl and stand and has now started walking behind his walker. He's a very busy boy and it is a full time job keeping up with him.

We've started learning some sign language. I'm hoping it will be a way for him to communicate with me while he learns to talk.

Will is a healthy eater. He loves steal cut oatmeal, beans, veggies, fruit, Cheerios and Goldfish. He wants to feed himself and gets frustrated if you try to help him or feed him.

Will has so much of his father in him, it's pretty unbelievable. I'm so in love with both of my boys and feel very blessed.

I love you, William Thomas!

Will almost always smiles when you point a camera at him.

{Can you see his top front teeth coming in?}

What are you doing? Let me see that thing!

Have you not gotten enough pics mom?

Happy, healthy, and cute!

Do You Know?

2011-09-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

Do you know pain? Do you know what it is to really feel heartache? To lose your child, only to watch your husband hold your only son and to watch him wonder if he'll be there for him?

Do you know love? Do you know what it is to love...to love beyond measure? To love someone so deeply? To watch them hurt, suffer, and wonder what is to come?

Do you know sickness? How it can eat away all of the good you do...how it can take everything? How it can bring so much unknown?

Do you know who you are? When times are good...and when they are bad...I mean ugly? When you have no control...everything is out of your hands.

Do you know what you are capable of? How much prayer...how much patience...how much grace?

I looked at a picture of Freddie and me the other day. It's hanging on a wall in our home. It's from our honeymoon. We are at the Marina in Cabo San Lucas...so happy, so in love, carefree. I look at that woman and wonder. I wonder what she would have thought to know the hills and valleys that lay ahead. I wonder what she would have thought she was capable of enduring. I wonder if she knew how capable she was...

It's amazing how many things can happen in such a short time. How much a heart is capable of...how much a soul can seek its savior.

I have everything I ever wanted. My husband, my child, my home...yet I am facing a situation where I don't know how much of that is permanent. God is continuing to show me that my trust lies in Him. That the things of this world aren't permanent. That some of the things I think matter, don't matter in His kingdom.

I'm rambling again...but very overwhelmed and full of thoughts and prayers...and needing a place to jot them down.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

~Romans 15:13

News

2011-09-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

We finally got in to MD Anderson on Wednesday. It was a very loooong day for all three of us. Will was a trooper, but I don't think I'll put him through that again.

We were up at 4:00 with Will and decided to just go ahead and pack up and head down to Houston. It didn't help that we had not had more than a few hours sleep. It was a physically and emotionally exhausting day.

After waiting almost 4 hours, we finally got to meet with the doctor. He wasn't convinced that Freddie has been diagnosed correctly. He wants to review the pathology. He is going to let us meet with a surgeon, despite thinking that surgery is not a possibility. He said there are too many tumors and they are too extensive to remove them. Chemo is not a cure; it only reduces tumors and stops their growth. So far, the chemo has not had enough of an effect on Freddie. In short, Freddie faces a long journey {possibility of chemo the rest of his life}. I'm sure if you put yourself in his shoes, you can only imagine the emotional and physical toll.

We have a God that answers prayer, so I ask all my prayer warriors to please continue praying. My heart is breaking to see my husband go through this.

Our saving grace right now is our sweet son. His smiles, giggles, and little dances are our distraction. He makes our lives worth living and lifts us up when we are struggling to stay positive. I can't imagine life without either of my boys...and I don't want to.

Thank you for your prayers and support. Right now, we are seeking peace and healing. I'm typing this to avoid a million questions. This is really all we know right now. Please respect that and only call with support. It is hard to continue answering and discussing things when this is all we know.

"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you."

Psalm 5:11

Eight and it's Great!

2011-08-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

My busy little boy turned eight months last Thursday.

Busy is definitely the best word to describe him. He is crawling everywhere, standing up, and starting to walk while he's holding on to the sofa or coffee table. He wants to play with Callie's toys, electrical cords, the dishes, my Nook, my cell phone, my laptop...pretty much anything and everything but his toys.

His latest thing is screaming...for no reason...when he's mad, when he's excited, when he's happy, when you aren't feeding him fast enough...I have no idea where he might have got that from...

So far, he eats pretty much whatever you feed him. He likes his baby food, be we've also tried some big people food also that his soft enough for him to "chew".

He probably weighs about 23 lbs. or so. It's already time to get him a new car seat. He wants to sit up like a big boy anyway and see everything.

He takes 3 1-2 hour naps throughout the day. I think he wears himself out more since he plays so much and crawls around everywhere.

Life with him is incredible. We can definitely tell he's growing into his own little personality and learning what makes him happy, sad, mad, etc.

Now, for the photos...

{Hey Mom!}

{Those eyes...}

{Can you tell he's fussing? I had to get a pick of his onesie..."Duck, Duck, Moose"}

{And the back of his onesie...too cute!}

{He's already figuring out to smile when I point the camera at him!}

{Excuse the filthy window, but this is what he always does when I put the dogs outside.}

He is just so cute and happy. He still has only 2 teeth, but I expect another one anytime. He's been a little fussy and chewing on everything.

I hope this finds you well and enjoying your day...and if not, maybe my sweet boy can make it a little brighter!

Be blessed,
Emily

Thirty

2011-08-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

You may or may not be aware of the fact that in two days I will hit the big three-oh. I can't begin to describe how I'm feeling this week looking back on the last thirty years of my life.

I have been through so much...especially over the course of the last 2-3 years. I would have never envisioned my life going this way at this age...never thought I'd be talking about chemotherapy, have planned a funeral for my own child, or be so content with my life despite all that has occurred in such a short time.

I assume we all know we will face hardships...times of trials and struggles. I admit, I sometimes look at other peoples' lives and think, "It's not fair. Why do they have it so easy?" Am I alone? {I doubt that I am.}

Please don't get me wrong. I LOVE my life. I have the most incredible, supportive, beautiful, amazing husband and son. I have a God that loves me and lifts me up when I call on His name. I have a home that I love, family and friends that amaze me, and a life that I could not have ever imagined for myself.

I wouldn't trade any of it. Nothing. Of course, I wish my daughter was here, of course I wish my husband was healthy, of course I wish all these projects and updates were finished on my home.

There is so much on my plate right now. I am trying to support, nurture, and love so many people. I can't do it all, be it all. I'm learning that I can only continue healthy, supportive relationships with people who support me 110% of the time...not throw knives in my back when they think I'm not listening or may not find out {trust me, I do}. Or mock and criticize what I say, how I said it, or what I did and how I did it, etc.

Through all of this, I am learning who I am and what I am made of. I'm learning that each morning is a new day full of mercy and grace and it is my choice to choose to live in it. Every day I get to wake up to the sound of a precious little boy cooing and playing in his crib. I get to share life with my two favorite people and take care of them. I get to kiss my husband good night. I get to have precious one-on-one time with my husband while he sits in a recliner and has poison pumped through his body. I get to live in a home with a husband that I love and a child that I adore, even though it may not be perfectly decorated or cleaned. I get to choose who I surround myself and my family with. I get to cuddle and play with the cutest little boy...

My days may not be spent at the latest bars, the coolest clubs, in the company of popular people, or shopping at the greatest stores. But, my days are spent well. They are spent doing what I love and they are full of meaning.

I may not have the latest car, the most sought after house, or fashionable wardrobe. I have so much more.

I have so many hopes, dreams, concerns, and ideas. Please hang in there with me. Please understand that I am one woman trying to live one life the best way I know how. I make mistakes, but I will be the first to admit them and say I am sorry when I am wrong.

I may be rambling, but I guess what I think at the end of the day is that I am proud of the woman I am becoming. All of these experiences have brought me to where I am today. And if I could choose to do it over, I would. Not because it was always easy or fun, but because I know where it has brought me and where it is taking me.

So, bring on the next 30. I can't wait to see what is in store!

Seven and in Heaven

2011-07-26T15:55:00.000-07:00

William has turned 7 months as of last week. My sister came over and captured him, beautifully.

He is about 21 lbs and wearing mostly size 18 month clothes. He is crawling EVERYWHERE! He has been saying "dadadada" and we've heard only a few "mamamama"s. He loves to blow raspberries on anything and everything...it is very endearing. Eating is a favorite time and William sits nicely in his high chair. As soon as you pull out the food, he knows he's going to be fed and gets VERY excited...same with a bottle. As soon as he's seen the bottle, whether there is something in it or not, he can't contain his excitement. His bottom front tooth on the left has come in and the one next to it is coming in just as quickly.

He is a joy. I love watching him play with his toys, splash in his tub, and observe/learn about his surroundings. I love seeing him and his daddy play and laugh {it brings tears to my eyes every time}.

I don't take a single moment with him for granted. I'm very blessed and I thank God for my boys every day.

{Our model is now so mobile; he won't stay in his chair for long.}

{Typical of his age...chewing and sucking on everything!}

{He loves to rough house and play with his momma and daddy.|}

{This lovely little one melts my heart.}

{I've been blessed with one fine cowboy!}

As I type Will is demanding my attention and attacking my lap top. Yes, he can reach it from the floor. He has started pushing and pulling himself up to his feet...I have a feeling he won't be just a crawler for long. :)

Be blessed!

Emily

Trusting

2011-07-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

~Psalm 9:10

I am learning to trust. I am learning that I can trust in even the smallest of things.

Yesterday, Freddie started his second round of chemo. I got up to workout early and came home to make breakfast for my boys and shower and get ready. Needless to say, it was a busy start to our day.

We had asked a good friend to watch Will while we were at the oncologist. It takes several hours and it isn't an environment for a busy 6 month old.

Literally minutes before we were about to leave, our friend got a hold of me to let me know her son was sick. She didn't want to risk sharing the illness with our family {I'm sure you know that sickness and chemo do not mix...it can make for a very bad situation when you have a low immune system.}. I appreciated her letting us know and started calling a few people to see if they could take care of Will. I remember walking into my kitchen and standing at the sink and thinking, "Lord, you know the situation. Please help us figure this out and find someone available to take care of Will."

Isn't it funny how we often forget how much our Father loves us? He wants to meet our needs - even the smallest of them. When I had started calling friends, it was early enough in the morning that I couldn't reach anyone. Finally, Freddie called his sister who mentioned calling his cousin.

I called her and she was so happy to take him. It was convenient, she lives very close by, and I trust her. {As you know, I am picky about who I leave my son with. I refuse to leave him with just anyone.}

She and her three children had a wonderful time with one of their youngest cousins. He behaved very well and she insisted that she be moved to the top of the "sitter list".

As I write this, I'm remembering that if I can trust God to heal my husband, I can also trust Him to meet our needs. He is in charge and I need to place my worries, stress, and trust in Him.

Thank you, Lord for your faithfulness!

Bible Gateway Verse of the Day: Isaiah 12:4

2011-07-05T09:52:00.000-07:00

Bible Gateway Verse of the Day: Isaiah 12:4

Follow

2011-06-27T21:14:00.000-07:00

My parents' church showed this video before their Easter service this year. It truly touched me....so my question to you is...Who will you follow?

Six Months

2011-06-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

My sweet William is now six months old! I can't believe half of a year has already passed!

Will started eating big boy food last weekend. He's loving it so far! We had tried cereal a few times at 4 months, but the pediatrician and some articles I read all advised waiting until 6 months, so that's what Daddy and I decided to do.

We don't have any teeth, yet, but we are definitely getting some of the fussiness and other side effects. Will LOVES to sit and play with his toys. He is content playing by himself for quite a while. He still loves his jumperoo, also. Daily runs with momma are one of his other favorite times and he has started going to the nursery class during church.

My big boy weighs almost 20 lbs {80th percentile} and is 28.5 in long {off the charts}. He is wearing mostly 12 month clothes, but most of his onesies are 18 mo. {they are the only ones long enough to button!}. He's slowly starting to be on the move. He can get on his hands and knees and rock himself backwards or forwards. He hasn't totally figured out that he can crawl. We've had to lower his crib because he likes to move around so much in it.

We are so lucky to have a fairly happy, easy-going baby. With all of the other events going on in our life, William is a joy and helps us keep positive and upbeat in spite of everything we have going on. He may be our only baby and we are cherishing every moment we get with him.

Now, for what you really want...

{Kisses for my favorite boy.}

{Six months old!}

{Loving on Sophie Bear - the bear the hospital gave us when Anna Sophia was born.}

{More cuddles for Sophie Bear.}

{Will's Hart family.}

{After Will's dedication at church.}

Will was dedicated at our church on his six month birthday. It was a very special time that we were able to dedicate ourselves, as his parents, to raise him in a Christ-centered home. I pray this verse over William every night and they read it during the service:

{24}The LORD bless you

and keep you;

{25}The LORD make his face shine on you

and be gracious to you;

{26}The LORD turn his face toward you

and give you peace.

~Numbers 6:24-26~

Our prayer for William is that he knows his saving Lord, the power of his sacrifice for him, and that he is able to share His love with others. We love you William Thomas, and pray God's richest blessings over your life.

Mommy and Daddy

Our God

2011-06-04T19:21:00.001-07:00

This song came on while I was running the other day...totally helped me sprint the end of my run.

Courage.

2011-06-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

What is courage? Let me tell you how I am currently learning what courage is.

A week ago Friday, my husband went to get a chest x-ray at CareNow. You see, he and I had both been sick all week and the nurse practitioner Freddie had seen was persistent in the fact that Freddie has having bronchial spasms and needed a chest exam. Freddie went in to CareNow thinking he might get a breathing treatment and be sent home. We had big plans the following Saturday...we had a sitter...we were going to the Byron Nelson tournament to have some much coveted adult time with our friends.

Meanwhile, I was at the mall trying to find a new dress/outfit for our date the following day. I was trying on dresses and Freddie kept calling me. My cell phone has horrible service at our local mall and I had a hard time connecting with him until after I paid for my dress and left the store I was in. His news: they were sending him to the ER because his x-ray lead them to believe that he had pneumonia.

We were both surprised, but still I figured that they would drain the fluid, he may spend the night, but we would be okay and he'd come home very soon. Boy was I wrong...

I called my in-laws to come take care of Will. I packed some sandwiches and snacks for us to eat {you never know how long your going to be in an ER and when/if you'll be fed} and once my father-in-law arrived we tag teamed and I headed to meet Freddie in the ER.

He was already in a room...they had taken him back immediately after he arrived {and he informed me that they were admitting him for at least a few days. At this point, I asked my parents to head on up.}. Not long after I got there, they wheeled him down the hall for a CT Scan.

I knew it was something more than pneumonia when they began asking Freddie if he smoked, had been around asbestos, or strong chemicals. Several different doctors came in and tried to explain what they had found. A mass...just A mass. I finally asked the doctor to show me the scan and he preceded to show me the NUMEROUS masses floating around his lung. They informed us that they needed to do a biopsy and didn't know when that would happen due to the Memorial Day weekend.

I went home, relieved my sister-in-law {who had relieved my father-in-law}, packed a bag and took a shower while I waited for my parents to arrive from San Antonio. I finally got back to the hospital at almost 1:00 am.

Thankfully, they were able to do the bronchial and get a biopsy. I spoke with the doctor after his procedure and finally asked him what the likeliness of Cancer was. He led me to believe that it was most likely Cancer.

We began to pray...probably more than I have prayed in a very long time, sadly. That afternoon, I remembered a dream I had had earlier in the week that was warning me that something bad was coming. At this point, I realized that I had a Savior who wouldn't forget me and who would carry us through this no matter the outcome.

On Sunday, Freddie asked to go home. We wouldn't recieve results from the biopsy until later in the week.

Fast forward...we finally met with the doctor on Thursday. He informed us that Freddie had a very rare condition called thymoma. He doesn't have Cancer, but it is malignant and we would need to begin chemo asap.

On Friday, we met with an oncologist. He again informed us of the rarity of this disorder. Freddie is going to have to go through some aggressive chemo, surgery, chemo again, and possibly radiation {it appears that one of the tumors has attached itself to one of his ribs}.

Now, back to my question...what is courage? I'm learning what it is...I'm learning that when I said my vows on March 10, 2007, I meant them. I'm learning that sickness can try to take everything away from you. But I know my God is greater, my God is stronger, my God is higher than any other; My God is HEALER, awesome in power!

We are in for a journey. One that will require lots of prayer, lots of courage, lots of grace and mercy. Please pray for us when your thoughts turn our way and I pray that God blesses you in return.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

LOVE and PEACE,

Emily

Five Months Old

2011-05-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

Guess who's made it to five months?! My favorite little boy. He is growing and learning so quickly that this momma wants to yell, "STOP!" from time to time so I can soak it all in! William is starting to sit up, he rolls over ALL the time now {possibly due to the fact that he is no longer being swaddled while he sleeps}, can hold his own bottle for a short time, starting to play with his toys a lot, pushes him self up and scoots around during tummy time, loves baths, loves being sang to, loves Baby Einstein, LOVES being outside {I wonder who he got that from}....I could be here all day, but I know what you really want to see!

William's smile is what makes my days and reminds me of how much grace God has given us. His little personality is starting to shine through and he is truly a joy.

Last Thursday was bittersweet as Freddie celebrated his birthday, Anna Sophia would have been two, and Will turned 5 months old. We spent the day doing our normal routine and visiting the cemetery with flowers. Freddie and I enjoyed a nice dinner out thanks to our friends, the Perezes, for watching our William. After everything we have been through, I still feel very blessed to have this beautiful family. I love my husband and I am so grateful that our love has brought us two beautiful children, even if we only get to watch one of them grow up. Our time is short and unknown on this Earth and my goal is to enjoy as much of the time I am given because I have no control over when it ends. I can only control the attitude I have and be thankful for the time I am given.

I hope your week is going well and that our beautiful son's smile makes your day also.

Love & Peace,
Emily

My Heart if Full

2011-05-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day will always be bitter sweet. I was reading my friend's blog this morning and I really liked her outlook. It's great to get cards and gifts (and I love them), but being a mom is what makes my heart full. But, it's holidays like today that make me miss my sweet girl, Anna Sophia. However, I do know I am truly blessed. I have this sweet face to nurture and love every day.

{This is my sweet boy during his nap this afternoon.)

He has helped me learn a deeper, more meaningful love for both him and my husband. He has also given me a small taste of what my Father's love is for me. His grace, mercy, and salvation have helped me live this life on Earth.

This Mother's Day was so special because I got to spend it with my grandmother, mother, aunts and uncles, cousins and family. {I also got a little spoiled by own husband.} I'm thankful for this time with my extended family.

{William, Me, My Grandmother, and My Mother}

I hope you have had a blessed Mother's Day. I'm especially thinking of all the women who have lost a child or yearn to have children of their own. May God grant you grace, peace, and mercy.

Love,
Emily

Look Who's 4 Months Old!

2011-04-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

My sweet little William is 4 months old today! I can't believe how quickly the time is flying by and how much he is growing!! I weighed him this morning and he is almost 18 lbs. according to my scale. He has his four month appointment next week, so we'll get a more accurate weight and length then.

He started eating cereal last week and LOVES it! It usually takes him a minute to adjust, but he loves sitting in his high-chair and getting to eat like a big boy. It fills his tummy up better and that makes us all happy (nursing every hour to hour and a half was wearing momma out!).

He's rolling over and kicking up a storm! When you prop him up, he is already trying to pull himself up so he can sit up. He laughs and "talks" a lot and his little personality is starting to show. He loves going for runs with momma and observing the world around him. He also loves listening to momma sing to him and his sweet smile melts my heart every time.

Freddie and I both feel so blessed to have this precious little boy. He is a happy baby and such a joyful addition to our family. Thank you Lord for blessing us. Especially after such heartache over losing our Anna Sophia.

We love you William Thomas and can't wait to see what God has in store for you!

Mommy and Daddy

Three Months

2011-03-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

Our baby boy turned 3 months old yesterday. Taking pictures of a 3-month-old can be difficult and some of these pics will prove it (and we can't seem to find our camera, so these were taken with Freddie's phone.)

Will weighs about 15-16 pounds. He has outgrown size 2 diapers and most of his clothes are 6-9 months (They're a little bit big, but he's growing so fast that I don't see a point in buying a small size that will fit for a week.). He holds his head up so well! He's started noticing the little toys in front of him on his Jumperoo and will look at them and move them around. It's so amazing seeing all the things I've learned and studied about children and brain development put to work in my own son...and that I get to see these milestones!

He's also sleeping through the night without being fed. He does wake up, but we go put the binky in his mouth and he goes back to sleep. He usually goes down about 7:30 and wakes up about 6:00-7:00. He takes about an hour nap in the morning and usually 2-3 hours in the afternoon. I've jogging with a group called, "Mom's on the Run" and he loves sitting in his jogger and taking in all the sights while I "run". ;)

He is pure joy and I feel so blessed to have him. Every day is a gift and I love spending each one with him!

My Precious Son

2011-03-14T06:25:00.000-07:00

My sister bought a new camera and brought it over to take some lovely pictures of Will. Here are some of the beautiful images she captured. Thanks Amy!

Four

2011-03-10T12:35:00.001-08:00

Four -- the number of years my beloved and I have been married. I remember four years ago today feeling so at peace and excited about our future together. Our wedding was beautiful and simple and our reception was a blast. We spent the night in a beautiful hotel and came back to Fort Worth to prepare for our honeymoon to Cabo San Lucas the following day. It was an exciting, memorable time, but I knew that it was only a day...that Freddie and I now had an entire life of ups, downs, twists, and turns to face together.

Wow! Life has presented it's challenges. A return to college for a Master's degree, ups and downs in the life of working in sales, changes in job positions, promotions, drama with loved ones, loss of friendships, but new friends that love and support us, a new home, travel, and finally our two beautiful children, one of which was only ours for a very short time.

I remember having a conversation with my brother a few months ago and sharing my experience of marriage with him. I am no expert, I only know what I have been through and where it has brought me. The girl that married Freddie on March 10th, 2007 knew that it wouldn't always be easy, but also had no idea what was in store. I was sharing that with my brother. I think every couple knows there will be hard times, but rarely do we know what that will entail.

Obviously, the hardest thing I have been through was the loss of my beautiful daughter. Even now, I shed tears for her memory. But I know our children aren't truly our's...they are on loan from our heavenly Father who has entrusted and blessed us with whatever length of time we get to spend with them.

I am so fortunate to have an incredible man who stood with me, hurt with me, cried with me, supported me, loved me through that time. He continues to do so each day. On the good days, we laugh and joke and revel in the joy, but we do the same on the bad. Yes, we argue, we disagree, we make mistakes and fall short of each other's expectations. But what matters is that we are always there laughing, compromising, picking each other up, supporting each other, and loving each other through the storms we face. We are one...we face life's challenges together.

Now, I look at my son and I see the beauty of my husband...his flirtatious personality, his beautiful brown eyes, his determination and inability to sit still for long. I am a blessed woman...and there are those difficult days where I have to remind myself of this.

I guess what I am trying to say is it isn't perfect...no marriage is...but it is us. We are our own family now facing life together, allowing God to be our guide, and enjoying every mountain, valley, twist, and turn that comes our way.

I love you Alfredo Ernesto Caram...you are my beloved and I am your's.

tWo MoNtHs!

2011-02-24T16:56:00.001-08:00

Will turned two months old on the 19th! My family was staying with him and were gracious enough to take some pictures. Freddie and I were in Grand Cayman on his quota club trip (more on that later).

This month, Will has grown to a whopping 25 1/4 inches long (he's in the 96th percentile) and 14 lbs., 6 oz. (the 90th percentile). Needless to say, he is growing like a weed!

He's given us a few 7-8 hour nights, which is awesome. We are ready for those nice long 10-11 hour nights to kick in soon! ;)

He eats 4 oz. or nurses for 20-30 every 2-4 hours during the day and usually only once during the night.

I'm still taking advantage of all the cuddles and snuggles I can. He's so fun to hold and watch smile and coo. Just this past week, he's started smiling back when you smile at him. It's so amazing to watch him respond to you.

We are so blessed and thankful to share life with him. Thank you Lord for this amazing blessing!

Emily

OnE MoNtH!

2011-01-21T07:48:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday, Will turned one month old! I can't believe how much he is growing. At his check-up, he weighed 11 lbs. and 1 oz. He is now 22.5 in. long. Hmmm....maybe he's going to be tall like his momma?

He's really starting to try and hold his head up during tummy time. He is eating about 10 times per day. When it's from a bottle, he eats about 4-5 ounces (thank God for the breast pump!). When he nurses, it's about 20-30 minutes.

Nights are settling down (but as soon as I say that, it will be another crazy night!). He wakes up about 2-3 times per night.

I'm so blessed to have this sweet little boy and get to spend my days with him! I thank God for him every day, multiple times per day. He's precious and so worth all the sacrifices we make for him!

I hope you have a great week! Here's to William being one month old!

Week 3

2011-01-12T13:21:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to sit down and post about week 3 with Will for several days now. As you can imagine, things are pretty busy around here!

This past week, we continued to get more into the grove and routine of having a baby. Will is doing a really good job of grabbing your finger and holding it. I haven't tried giving him a toy to hold yet...maybe that's for week 4! He's also trying really hard to hold his head up during tummy time.

He lost the last of his umbilical cord on Thursday...I was beginning to worry that it would never come off! Actually, Freddie accidently pulled it out! Ha!

My family came into town this past weekend. My grandmother has been here (staying with my aunt) for several weeks. She wanted to see her first great-grandchild. She seemed over-joyed and couldn't stop holding him and loving on him.

It was good to see my family. My dad ended up staying an extra night to avoid the bad weather. Here's a picture with him holding Will in his cute overalls!

I'm trying to enjoy every moment with him right now. I know I'll look back someday and feel like this time flew by. On Sunday, he'll be four weeks old. In some ways I feel like I've lived a whole life with him and in other ways it feels like the longest weeks of my life. I guess that's just how it goes when there is a big change in your life.

I hope you are all well and being blessed!

Em

Week 2

2011-01-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

I didn't get a chance to post last week...imagine that! All my help left a week after Will was born. Last week was my first official week on my own. It was actually a good week for that to happen. Freddie was able to go in to work a little bit late each day and he had Friday off. So, it was a pretty good transition over all.

Monday was hard. I was emotional and we were still adjusting to a huge lack of sleep. By Tuesday or Wednesday, we finally started to get Will to sleep better at night. Now, he goes about 3 hours between feedings. Sometimes it's less, sometimes it's more. But at least it's not every hour like it had been the week before (which I think was due to him being held so much by my family).

At his 2 week appointment yesterday, he weighed 9 lbs. 4 oz (he weighed 7 lbs. 13 oz. when he was born)! The nurse joked that he didn't need to come back for 6 months. I guess my body is making him rich, nutritious milk! He already barely fits into newborn diapers (glad I didn't buy too many of those). He also can't fit into most of his newborn clothes. Some of the 0-3 month stuff is still a little bit big. Hopefully, he'll fit into it soon.

Life with him is a joy. There have been a few times where I get frustrated when he won't let me put him down. It's those moments that I remember how long we've waited for him and how anxious I was to hold him when I was pregnant. I'm trying to get in every little snuggle and cuddle that I can! I know that in hindsight, this time will seem to go by very quickly. I wan't to cherish it and enjoy the quiet, simple moments with him.

Last night and today, he's been a little bit more fussy and wanted to be fed more. I guess he's going through a little growth spurt. Hopefully, he'll level out again in the next few days.

Overall, life with him is wonderful, despite the sleeplessness! I feel very blessed to have a healthy, beautiful little boy. Watching Freddie become a father has been one of my favorite parts of this whole journey. He is so attentive to him and can't wait to hold him and love on him when he gets home for work each day.

Here's to hoping things continue to get better and go well. Keep us in your prayers! There are still those moments that we need extra grace.

Love and Peace,
Emily

Week 1

2010-12-23T14:16:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can't believe how much can happen in so few days! This week has been the most incredible week of my life.

We are adjusting to life at home with our little Will. Our first night was definitely hard. But, I think Freddie and I both agreed that we'd rather have a sleepless night at home, then in the hospital. Being in the hospital was difficult. I was so thankful to be home and be able to "sleep" in my own bed.

My mom has been here and what a help she has been! She's been cooking up a storm (did she not get the memo that I'd like to start losing this baby weight ;)), doing laundry, and getting a lot of snuggles with Will.

We went to the doctor today and Will is doing very well. His weight hasn't changed very much (most babies lose a little weight after they are born) and I think that's due to the awesome milk my body is producing for him. Nursing is hard, but worth it because a. It's so healthy for him and b. It's FREE!

I did concede on my one major no no. I was adamant that my son would not use pacifiers. I think they are a bad habit and keep many kids from developing appropriate speech. However, during our doctor's visit we learned that they would prefer for him to use binkies rather than suck on his fingers (which is what he was starting to do). My major concern was that he would get a good latch while he was nursing, and since he has, the nurse convinced us that he would be okay. He's already laying in his pack and play with me in the den and I can hear him sucking away on his new binky.

Although this week has been difficult, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Freddie and I were laying in bed last night marveling at our little miracle and I looked at him and told him that even though I'm exhausted and emotionally drained, I wouldn't trade it for anything and that I've never been happier. I can't believe how much Will has made me fall even more in love with my husband. I have nothing to complain about - I am a very blessed woman.

May all of you have an amazing Christmas and remember the reason we celebrate. God has given us so much and I am the first to thank Him for it all - even my little girl who is in heaven with him. I love you Sophie.

Merry Christmas!

Peace & Love,
Emily

William Thomas

2010-12-21T13:04:00.000-08:00

I've fallen in love with another man...

Sunday, at 12:06 pm, William Thomas made his big arrival. He is beautiful and precious and I am totally in love.

Here are a few pictures from the last few days. Enjoy!

I'm Done

2010-12-12T18:23:00.001-08:00

That's it...I've reached my limit. William is due in one week and I AM DONE. I'm so ready for him to be here!

Almost 2 weeks ago, he weighed 7lbs, 4oz on the sonogram. I have a feeling he is going to be a big boy. By now, he's probably well over 8lbs.

So, if you're somewhere out there reading this, please say a prayer for us. Freddie and I are both very anxious and ready for him to be here. After what we've been through, I don't think either one of us will really breath until we are holding a healthy baby boy in our arms. I'm trusting that it will be very soon.

So this week, I will be finding things to do to keep myself very busy and not think about when he's going to get here...hopefully it will be soon.

Have a great week!

Emily

Maternity Pics...Continued

2010-11-20T17:27:00.001-08:00

Maternity Pics...a Preview

2010-11-16T07:20:00.001-08:00

Shutterfly

2010-11-15T18:11:00.000-08:00

My friend from high school posted a link on her blog about this great promotion through shutterfly. Check it out!!

I've used Shutterfly to create hardback books with the pictures we take on our trips. I am the least likely person to ever scrapbook. I don't have the creativity or patience and I'm too much of a perfectionist. Scrapbooking would make me crazy! That's why I love using their books to upload pictures into and create a "story" of our travels. I'm sure I'll also do this once Will is here.

So, this year, since we'll have baby announcements and holiday cards to send out, I think I'll be using Shutterfly even more!

Showered with Love

2010-11-08T06:23:00.001-08:00

This past Saturday, my mom, sister, and aunt threw a shower for baby Will here at Casa de Caram. It was a great time and it was really great to see some of the people I love! Below are a few pictures from the event. Of course, my camera died, so Vanessa and Amy have more that I can add at a later date. One more month to go!!

Fall is for Baking!

2010-10-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

With these nice, cool mornings, I have been feeling a little bit of autumn in the air! Autumn isn't my favorite season, but I definitely love the feeling of the crisp temperatures and changing seasons after the heat of summer.

So, the other day, while I was blog-stocking (one of my occasional hobbies), I found this recipe and decided I would give it a shot. I have extra time now and thought if I tried it, it might be a good gift to give the neighbors as the holidays approach.

First of all, it took a lot more flour than the recipe calls for...at least my batch did. My grandmother has made the most amazing cinnamon rolls for as long as I can remember and nobody in the family has been able to master the art of her recipe (seeing as it is mostly in her head and she does it by the feel of the dough and such). I liked this recipe because it had pictures that gave me an idea of what my dough should look like. I knew towards the beginning, after I added the yeast, that I needed more flour because my dough didn't have the consistency that it did in the picture.

When I went to add the butter, the first rolls I made I used way to much butter. I would suggest 1 1/2 cups of butter total for both the first and second half.

Rolling out the dough, adding the butter, sugar, and cinnamon, and then rolling the dough up was the hardest part, mostly because of the mess. The rest of the recipe is pretty simple, it just takes time and patience. I started early this morning and just set my timer for each step.

Anyway, here are some pictures for your enjoyment. Oh yeah, and HAPPY FALL!!!

Sending Prayers

2010-10-01T06:04:00.000-07:00

October is Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Awareness Month...I'm thinking of all the mommies and daddies who have lost a little one...May God give us all grace, peace and hope after such tragedy.

16. You Hold Me Now - Hillsong 2009 w/z Lyrics and Chords

2010-09-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

You Hold Me Now

2010-09-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

So, one of the great things about me being able to stay home is I have really been able to focus my attention back on my relationship with Christ. This fall, I've started going to the weekly women's bible study at our church. So far, it has been a great time for me to delve into God's Word, learn more about who He is, and get to know some great women.

Yesterday, the lesson was on "Jehovah Shammah" - The LORD is There. Along with this lesson, the speaker talked about the holiness of God. At the end of her sermon, she played Hillsong's "You Hold Me Now". I immediately fell in love with the song and went straight to buy it after bible study was over.

I've listened to it several times since yesterday morning, and today on my way home from lunch, I was jamming to it.

Believe it or not, we are already coming up on a year and a half since Anna Sophia left this life for her Heavenly Father. There isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't enter my thoughts in some way, but I must say I have come so far and grown so much from the experience. However, there are still those moments when I ache to hold her, see her, and wish I knew more about who she was and what life would have been like with her.

This morning, while I was listening to the song and focusing on these words, I began to think of her. Here they are:

You Hold Me Now
On that day when I see
All that you have for me
When I see you face to face
There surrounded by your grace

All my fears swept away
In the light of your embrace
When your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering, you hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding you hold me now,
You hold me now

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails

Where your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of your Name
I'm believing for the day

When the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering, You hold me now,
You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding, You hold me now,
You hold me now

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to your name
x4

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering, You hold me now,
You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding, You hold me now,
You hold me now
x3

So as I am focusing on these words, and it hits me...My baby girl is in a place where there is NO weeping, NO hurts, NO pains, NO suffering, NO darkness, NO sickness...she's with her heavenly father. How could a mother not want that for her child? How could I not want her to be in a place where she is at peace, fulfilled, and full of joy? She never had to really know this earth and it's hurts, sins, and immorality. She never had to face this world with her shortcomings and sickness. She was never hurt physically or emotionally. WOW!

I pulled into my driveway and sat in my car with tears streeming down my face singing this song and realizing that she is with God and God is with me, holding me through this. A peace and comfort washed over me. And now...I'm probably going to be just a little obsessed with this song! ;)

Love and peace,
Emily

Santa Fe...AKA Babymoon

2010-09-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

Last week, Freddie and I took our last little trip with just the two of us. Last year, Freddie had bid on a two night stay at a hotel in Santa Fe and won it. So, we used that and added one more night. We stayed at a really cute boutique hotel. Our room was actually like a little apartment with a garage below it.

We flew into Albuquerque and rented a car to drive up to Santa Fe. When we left Wednesday morning, it was pouring rain here and when we landed in Albuquerque, it was beautiful, dry and sunny. Just what we needed. I am SO sick of this heat!!!

We were glad we had rented the car because we did a lot of driving out to see the state. We saw Pecos Pueblo where the Pecos Indians lived and a mission was built by the Spanish. We went to Bandelier National Monument where American Indians carved caves out of the tuff from a volcano and lived for hundreds of years. We drove up to Taos and saw a mission built several hundred years ago out of adobe. We also saw a mystery painting there of Jesus standing in front of the Sea of Galilee.

We had no idea until we got to Santa Fe that it was the city's 400th anniversary. During their Fiesta, they burn a giant puppet called Zozobra. The puppet is stuffed the glooms people have written down. Then, the Zozobra is burned to start the festivities.

All in all, it was a great trip. We had an awesome time together and now the count down starts for baby Will to arrive!

Lunch at The Shed...Freddie got to enjoy a margarita

Freddie climbing into a kiva at Pecos Pueblo

Freddie in one of the caves at Bandelier

Freddie in front of the mission in Taos

Me in one of the caves at Bandelier

We took a drive through Carson National Forest...it was beautiful!

Enjoying the view of the canyon at Bandelier

Freddie at Bandelier

Taking a much needed break in Taos

Enjoying an amazing tapas dinner at El Meson

Dinner at El Meson

In front of our hotel room(s)

In front of the Santa Fe Cathedral

Waiting for lunch at The Shed

What a great time! I highly recommend a Babymoon! I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant and I was able to keep up with all the traveling. Plus, Freddie and I really enjoyed this time alone together before Will arrives. Who knows when we'll get to do this again!

Peace & Love,

Emily

Smoothie Time!

2010-08-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

Throughout my pregnancy, I've been craving things like smoothies, frozen yogurt (real yogurt like Pinkberry or Yogolait, not TCBY), peppermint milkshakes, etc. Pretty much anything sweet and cold. I think a lot of it has to do with the heat.

When I'm trying to save time and money, I've been making the Yoplait smoothies that you can find in the frozen section at the grocery store. But in my quest to be more creative and change it up, I googled smoothie recipes yesterday and found this site. I found a few recipes I thought I would try and decided to make one of them this morning. I made my own variation of this recipe and I'll include those changes below.

Healthy Breakfast Smoothie

1 c frozen berries (I used raspberries, marion berries, and blueberries)

1 scoop protein powder (I used Muscle Milk Light - vanilla flavored)

1 Tbs flaxseed oil

1 Tbs ground flaxseed

2 tsp lemon juice (I just squeezed half of a lemon)

1 tsp unsweet cranberry juice (it took a little more than one tsp and I used regular juice)

1 pack of Stevia (I didn't use this and it was plenty sweet for my very sweet tooth!)

8 ice cubes (I used about 4-5)

1 c water

(I added a heaping Tbs. of plain yogurt to add a creaminess and some more protein)

Even though this looks like a lot, it didn't take me long to make it. I got the flaxseed oil and ground flaxseed at Central Market and I didn't even taste the oil. The ground seed added a nuttiness that I really liked.

Freddie really liked it to. I'm working really hard to eat as well as I can so baby Will comes out healthy and strong. I liked that this smoothie didn't have any added sugar and packed a good amount of protein while still being sweet.

Give this one a shot and let me know what you think. It had a great consistency and made just over one serving.

For now, Peace and Love,

Eat, Pray, Love

2010-08-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

Last night, I went with some friends to see the new movie. It was a cute, but not incredible movie, but it made me start thinking.

As Americans, we seem to strive for the latest and greatest. The best house, the best cars, the best schools, the best clothes, etc., etc. Our lives become empty. We wake up each morning, go to a job that (most of us) don't love, come home, eat a crappy dinner, and go to bed. Where is the passion? Where is the peace? We go through the motions of life and never seem to take time to stop and enjoy what God has given us.

After losing Anna Sophia, I have dealt with many emotions. From hurt, pain, bitterness, anger, and the list goes on. At one point in the movie, the main character is asked, "When are you going to forgive yourself?"

This question hit me. Maybe part of my moving on is going to include forgiving myself for what happened. Deep down, I know it's not my fault, but it is hard to not feel some sort of guilt. Why did my body fail her?

I'm finally to a point where thinking of her doesn't make me break down in tears every time. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about her, but most days, I'm okay. That doesn't mean that I'm totally over it. I don't think I ever will be.

Lord knows, I've done my fair share of eating the past year, my fair share of praying, but now, maybe it's time to start loving...

Love my life, my home, my family, my friends, but most of all, myself.

Freddie and I were talking about this last night and I talked about how thankful I am to him that he was in agreement with me about quitting my job. I would have been working, making money (not very much though), but not ever seeing or spending time with our son. I am already so much more happy and at peace. I know there will be hard times. Days I'm frustrated, months that are slow for Freddie and we have to watch every penny, times that are lonely because it's just me an the baby stuck at home. But I already feel like this is what is best for our family. This is the greatest gift I can give my son. I can be here for him, raise him, love him, and not miss out on his life.

I know I'm starting to ramble, but I had to get these thoughts down. If you feel like you are in a rut, or just need to be inspired, I recommend the movie. Like I said, it made me think about my life and what I need to do to be content.

Philippians 4:11
"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have."

29 Years

2010-08-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

Today marks a pretty big day in my life. It starts my last year as a "twenty something".

I think this is the first year I really haven't made a very big deal about it. So much has happened in the last year or so that it seems pretty insignificant.

Here is to hoping that my 29th year brings great things...including a healthy, happy baby boy, Will. I can't wait to meet him and share life with him and my husband.

Love and Peace,

TriWaco Triathlon

2010-07-25T17:07:00.000-07:00

Today, Freddie and my brother Stephen both participated in their first triathlon. I'm so proud of both of them and wish I could have done it with them. Hopefully, I can train after I have the baby and do my first one next year! I'm so proud that our son has a dad committed to being healthy and achieving new challenges!

Above is a pic of the two handsome guys after they finished the race!

It's a HEALTHY, NORMAL baby BOY!!! Praise God!!!

2010-07-19T15:46:00.001-07:00

Healthy Momma

2010-06-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

So, now that I am pregnant, again, I am really attempting to cook more. Especially now that I am home, I have more time to look for new recipes, shop for fresh ingredients, and make healthier choices...did I mention I resigned from my job...oh yeah, I'm a stay at home (soon to be) mom!

Anyway, I'm slightly obsessed with the Real Housewives of New Jersey (and New York...and Orange County, but not Atlanta) and I bought Teresa Giudice's Skinny Italian cookbook.

It's really great! Not only does it include some great recipes, but she also gives a lot of advice on picking fresh ingredients, how to cook with them, etc. I really like it!

So, today, I made pesto using the recipe from her book. I take no credit. If you would like to try it, and some more, buy her book from Amazon. Here is the recipe as follows:

1/3 c pine nuts

1 1/2 c fresh basil

3 garlic cloves

2/3 c evoo

1/2 c parmigiano-reggiano

1/4 t salt

1/8 t black pepper

Heat a small skillet over medium heat. Add the pine nuts and cook, stirring often, until lightly toasted, 2-3 minutes. Transfer to a plate and cool completely.

Using the metal blade in your food processor, drop the garlic through the feed tube. Add the pine nuts and pulse until finely chopped. Add the basil and pulse until finely chopped. Add the cheese and pulse to combine. With the machine running, gradually pour in the oil. Season with salt and pepper.

Transfer the pesto to a small covered container. Pour a small amount of oil over the surface of the pesto to seal it. Cover and refrigerate for up to one month. Stir well before using.

To use it with pasta, boil 1 lb. of pasta. When you drain it, reserve some of the cooking liquid. Add 1/2 c pesto and toss adding liquid to loosen the pesto and coat the pasta.

SOOOO YUMMY!! Again, I highly recommend buying her book. It's great and I've already read it and made several of the recipes.

Peace & Love,

Emily

Now I Can Breathe...

2010-06-16T19:12:00.001-07:00

Today we went to the perinatal specialist. This was a very nerve-racking day for Freddie and me.

Since we lost Sophie last year, I am now considered high-risk and had to go back for testing. They took measurements of the baby and even though it's early, the doctor was 95% sure it's....a....BOY!!!

Everything looks healthy and perfect for now. The complications we had with Sophie were not present and will not develop this far into the pregnancy. They also tested for Down's Syndrome, and the measurements show that we are clear of that (they still took blood work to make sure).

For now, we are praising God and His faithfulness and relishing in our love for each other and our little one.

I will try to scan images taken today during the sonogram. Since it is a higher clarity (and you don't want to know why...ahem), we could tell the gender and see the profile. He has Freddie's lips and my chin. It was so clear, we could see each of the chambers of the heart. We got such good images, even the tech who does a million of these a day was excited!

Praise God...He is faithful and is holding us up and carrying us through. Thank you to all of our loved ones for your prayers, encouragement, and support.

Love and Peace,

Emily

BABY!!!

2010-05-31T06:42:00.000-07:00

I feel like it is finally okay to announce that we are expecting Baby Caram #2 on December 20th!!! God is so good and is in complete control. Many exciting things are happening that I'll write about later, but for right now, I'm enjoying this time and trying to take it easy. Please keep us in your prayers. Sophie isn't far from our thoughts right now, but we know that she is with Jesus and God is in control.

5-19-2010

2010-05-19T04:49:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

So, today marks one year since we lost our little girl. I'm going to need extra grace today.

This pain is all-consuming.

I miss her so much and wish I could see her just one more time. Hold her, hug her, kiss her sweet face.

Tears for Sophie today. I love you baby girl.

Attempting to Live in Grace

2010-04-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

Acts 20:24
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

I posted this verse a few days ago because the matter of grace has been on my heart over the last few months.

If you have been keeping up with my life and/or my blog, you know about the tragic loss Freddie and I experienced last year. During our first pregnancy, we found out that our precious little girl was suffering from a fatal condition that we could not prevent or attempt to resolve. We lost her 22 weeks into the pregnancy and named her Anna (graced with God's favor) Sophia (wisdom) Marie.

Above, I included the meanings of her first two names. She would have gone by "Anna Sophia" or "Sophie". It's interesting that I chose those names because originally she would have been Sophia Marie. Marie is my sister's middle name and Sophia is a beautiful name that I always imagined calling my little girl.

Anna, however became a very powerful name for her. It was my great-grandmother's name and close to the name of someone very significant in my life, my good friend Anne Marie.

Not long after we lost Anna Sophia, my sister's very powerfully said to me, "That was the perfect name for her because God knew you would need His grace and wisdom to get through this."

How right she was...

A week from Monday will begin the one year anniversary of the tragic events that took place over the course of the month of May, 2009. I am here today to tell you that I am a stronger, wiser, more graceful woman.

According to http://www.dictionary.com/ the word grace means: elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action; a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment; favor or good will.

I have learned that many of the things I need to be doing in my life need to be more full of grace.

Now, I do not think I lost my child so I could learn this lesson. This is simply the consequence to a situation in my life. I don't think I will ever understand why we lost our little girl. And right now, I am okay with that.

Being graceful is something I am still learning to do. Please do not think that I believe I am already graceful. This is something that God has laid on my heart and I am beginning to realize in my life. I've spent the last few weeks thinking about grace, it's meaning and what the bible says about it.

I am a very emotional person and it is very rarely difficult to read exactly what I am thinking/feeling. I often wish this was something I could more easily mask, and I am working on that because I think there are things that I need to step back from and accept with grace. Whether it be in my personal or professional life. I think I need to give more people grace, especially those who I seem to have such a short fuse for.

But what I have learned is that I also need grace in return. Over the past year, I have learned who my true friends are. They are the ones who have stuck by me, cried with me, allowed me to weep in their presence, listened to the sweet story of my Sophie girl, and stuck it out. They are not the ones who showed up at a funeral to "raise the flag" in support. They are not the ones who did not call or ask how we are doing. They are not the ones who make pronouncements without grace or forethought as to how I might need to be told certain news very delicately.

They are also not the ones who have to find a reason for her loss. They are not the ones who have a "formula" or certain way that I should grieve or recover from my experience.

I am by no means pointing any fingers at anyone but at myself. I know that before any of this happened, I was not the most graceful person and that I still have a loooong way to go. What I am doing is asking for your grace. I am still healing and still coping and still trying to move on. Please, give me grace and help me to continue to learn grace from your example.

I know I'm rambling, but I feel like I have needed to get this off of my chest for sometime. Thank you to those of you who have been there for us whether it is through prayer, encouragement, or support...we love you. From now on, you may be reading about my experience and research on grace. I'd also like to know your thoughts and ideas on it. If you have any, please feel free to comment at any time. I would appreciate the dialogue.

Peace and Love for Now,

Emily

Grace

2010-04-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

Acts 20:24

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

PURA VIDA

2010-03-11T23:58:00.000-08:00

ON OUR WAY TO COSTA RICA FOR 7 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T WAIT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY LOVE!!!

COWTOWN 2010

2010-03-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

SO, last year, I lied and said I would be running the half this year, but come on, give me some credit, 2009 was hell...

I DID however run the 10K at the last minute, which I didn't even train for. And the BEST part, I got to run it with my favorite person on Earth...I'll give you one guess who that is!

We had a great time running with our friends and sharing the day with them. Thank you Lord for your mercy, grace, and patience with me! I'm getting there, slowly but surely!!!

SNOW DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-12T09:20:00.001-08:00

NOLA

2010-01-07T20:13:00.001-08:00

It's time for New Orleans! I can't wait to spend the weekend in NOLA with some of my favorite girls (pretty much sistas). I wish my favorite love, Freddie was going, because I've never done a new trip without him. I've traveled without him, just not to anywhere I haven't been before. I'm nervous, but excited and a little disappointed he won't be with me, BUT, I can't wait to spend it with some of my favorite Castagnet girls! You know who you are!!!! Love you and I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Bye 2009

2010-01-03T18:02:00.001-08:00

In retrospect, 2009 was not the easiest year for me. The holidays were very difficult because they would have been the first with my sweet little girl, Anna Sophia. However, I'm deciding to focus on the positive right now. Many wonderful things happened in this year: graduating, concerts, new home, new wonderful job, fun times with family and friends, etc. Here is my toast to those moments...

CHEERS to 2010!!!! May God restore our hope, give us grace for each new day, and shower us all with His blessings. Thank you for sticking with me and supporting me in 2010. I pray God's richest blessings on all of you, my faithful readers...

Family Time

2009-12-06T17:19:00.000-08:00

So, my nephews have been hanging out with us all afternoon. We had lunch, played games, picked up wood for a fire. Shawn and I went and bought the new Super Mario Wii game (which is VERY fun!), and Seth and I made chocolate chip cookies (Yum!). I also made Rice Krispie treats for the boys (and myself of course),

All in all, it was a great day with family. Times like this are great, but I feel the void of Anna Sophia.

Here is a pic of Seth and I cooking up a storm!

LOVIN' MY FROGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-13T15:31:00.000-08:00

5 Months

2009-10-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

Today marks 5 months since I had Anna Sophia. I have to say, I was pretty proud of myself for making it all the way through the work day and not having to close my office door and have a private moment to shed a tear.

I did however, have an emotional breakdown this evening.

I LOVE Coldplay. When they first came out, I must admit, I was not a fan. I didn't like their first single very much in the beginning. Thankfully, my brother, sister, and Freddie convinced me otherwise and I started listening to the rest of their music.

During their concert this past summer they played this song. They passed out a live cd from one of their concerts on the same tour. EVERYTIME this song comes on in my car, I cry. I always replace "something" with "someone" in honor of my precious little girl.

Words still cannot describe or contain the love I feel for her each day. At some point, I'm going to have to let go of this pain and let God. I think I'm finally getting to that point. I have to thank my trainer, Heather, for part of that. Poor Heather. I listened to that song on my way to the gym this evening. At the end of my workout, she and I were talking about my goals and things I need to change. Heather finally said something to the effect of, "Emily, until you are okay with what you look like and allow yourself to heal, you may not see many changes. It's amazing how our emotions and stress can take such a toll on our bodies."

Okay. I'm going to have to agree with her. Heather is a great girl. She always gives me good, solid advice full of wisdom and faith. She is not just a trainer to me...she has been somewhat of a rock. We laugh, talk, and she allows me to whine and complain through each exercise. Heather, I pray God's richest blessings and favor over your life...thank you.

Below are the lyrics to "Fix You" by Coldplay:

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

U2

2009-10-13T18:54:00.001-07:00

So, Sunday night, my amazing husband, Freddie, decided to look and see if he could find some tickets for the U2 concert the following night. i was pretty skeptical as he looked and did not get my hopes up.

Now, I love a good show. I have been spoiled by my music-loving husband to have gone to some good concerts over the past few years. But, I must say that U2 is THE one band I have always wanted to see live. Not that I am a HUGE fan, but I love their music and have always heard about how great they are live.

Luckily, Freddie was able to find some pretty great seats for the show and since I was off yesterday, I went and picked them up from the seller.

Here is a pic of us enjoying the show:

It was taken with my phone, so you'll have to wait for some better pics later. And, notice my semi-toned arm thanks to my amazing trainer, Heather. I've been working out hard with her 3 times/week over the last few months. You'd think it would look even better.

Anyway, we had a great time and I am truly blessed to have a husband that does such thoughtful, amazing things for me. I love him so much and feel so blessed to share my life with him.

Emily

September 22nd

2009-09-27T17:43:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday was September 22nd...otherwise known as my due date.

Thankfully, it was a very busy day for both Freddie and me. We both worked all day, had after work events to attend and ended the day with a nice, quiet dinner at Fort Worth Club.

I don't think words will ever describe the void I feel in our family. Anna Sophia will always be a missing piece of our family here on earth. We love her and miss her so much.

I think getting past that difficult day is somewhat of a relief. I'm beginning to feel like I can move on. Not that it isn't difficult to see pregnant women and babies anymore...it is...and it will be for quite a while. But I feel like I can now begin to move on.

It is hard to be asked, "So do you have any kids?"

We were at Freddie's 20th high school reunion this weekend and if I had a dollar for every time someone asked us that, let's just say I'd be shopping right now. I feel like I'm cheating or disregarding Sophia when I tell people we don't have any kids. On the other hand, talking about my stillborn, precious little girl is not exactly something you bring up during such a celebretory time.

I know everyone is probably sick to death of reading about my pain. But this is where I am...this is how I feel...and this blog is one of my outlets. Please be patient with me. I will be able to move on someday.

For now, I hope you all have a great week.

LOVE & PEACE,
Em

Bittersweet Happiness

2009-09-01T15:45:00.001-07:00

I'm loving my job, my co-workers, this new school year. It's amazing how everything has worked out. Freddie and I got a wonderful new house, I have my new job, things are going well...BUT I would give it all up to have my baby Sophia in my arms. We both miss her so much. We cried together last night. The emptiness we feel is all-consuming. It takes our breath away.

I love being an assistant principal. I get to meet and greet kiddos each morning with a "Good Morning" as I open their car doors and welcome them to another day at school. I LOVE that I am supporting and caring for all 700 of them now...I LOVE meeting with them every day and getting to know all of them better. And I LOVE serving our teachers and supporting them!

I'm currently obsessed with my Spinning classes. I've started working out with a personal trainer and she is kicking my butt! She also teaches a couple of the Spinning classes I go to each week, so it pushes me even more. Pretty soon, I hope, this baby weight (or sadness weight you may call it) will come off.

I guess I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm still working on letting go of my anger. I don't understand God, or His plan, but I'm trying to let go. It's hard to understand why he would put a precious sweet blessing inside of me and take it away from two loving people like Freddie and me. I have to let it go and let Him move. I think the hardest part is understanding why I CONSTANTLY see pregnant people!! At church especially!

Anyway, I'm trying to move on and heal. That doesn't mean another baby in our plan right now, but it does mean focusing on my marriage and my new responsibilities and challenges. I'm loving that part of my life right now and trusting that God will give me the grace to get through the pain.

For Now,

LOVE and PEACE,

Emily

Three Months...

2009-08-21T17:56:00.000-07:00

My baby girl Anna Sophia would have been 3 months old 2 days ago. Sometimes the pain is so all-consuming that I feel short of breath. Freddie and I miss her so much and feel her void in our home every day.

Pain

2009-07-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

It's been two months since I had Anna Sophia. I miss her so much more every day. I wish I could hold her in my arms again and kiss her, hug her, rock her, and spend time with her. I ache to have her here with me.

WOOHOOO!!! GOD IS GOOD!!

2009-07-09T13:40:00.000-07:00

So I guess God has given Freddie and I a little break!!

We are LOVING our new home. I'm loving that we picked it together and I get to start the whole decorating process all over! The dogs are loving the backyard. Freddie and I are both loving taking runs through our goreous new neighborhood. To think, we used to run through here dreaming about moving over here one day, and now, here we are. God is good.

In other news...My amazing principal of the last 4 years has been promoted. One of my amazing assistant principals was hired to take her place and she chose ME to be on of our new assistant principals!! I get to teach Gifted and Talented in the mornings and work in the office in the afternoons! It sounds pretty awesome to me. I still get to teach, which I love, and now I get to start working in the office and taking on a new challenge! Wish me lots of luck!!

Like I said, God is good. I still don't always understand His plan, but I'm beginning to trust Him more and more each day. Obviously, all those prayers being said for us are really helping!

For now,
PEACE and LOVE,
Emily

New House

2009-07-01T16:47:00.000-07:00

We are in our new house!!! I'm loving it and can't wait to get everything unpacked, put away, and organized so we can have a big party!!! Stop by and see us...we're loving it here!!

Recipes

2009-06-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

So, the last week or so, I've been motivated to do a lot more cooking at home. I guess because I actually have more time, we're trying to save some money, and I enjoy having it ready for Freddie when he gets home. I've made a few VERY easy crockpot recipes and here they are:

Southwestern Chicken
Put chicken breasts in the crockpot with a jar of salsa, a can of cream of muchroom soup and a little water.

Very yummy and super easy!

Bar-B-Que Chicken
Put chicken breats in the crockpot with some bar-b-que sauce and a little water. I also got some potato rolls and we ate them like sandwiches. Also very yummy!

I'm also growing tomatoes in our backyard and decided to try fried green tomatoes. They were very good. I used a recipe from foodnetwork.com that was really good.

I hope you are all having a great week. Things are a bit stressful around here with moving and packing and hoping everything goes well with closing both homes on time.

Em

One Month

2009-06-19T10:42:00.001-07:00

Sophia would be one month old...

Crazy Times

2009-06-15T09:54:00.000-07:00

So, this last month has been pretty insane. We found out Sophia was sick, I graduated, we lost Sophia, sold our house, and found a new house...now we are waiting for everything to go smoothly for both homes to close. Then we can have a fresh start in a great new home!

I think the hardest thing these last four weeks has been letting go and letting God. I still feel very frustrated and angry that our precious little girl was taken so early. I don't understand God's plan, but I am trying to have faith and hope that He knows best. Freddie and I walked into church yesterday just as they were saying our names for a prayer request. Let's just say I lost it. I don't think I realize how many people are praying for us. It means so much to know how loved and cared for we are by our families and close friends.

I think, bottom line, I just wish Sophia was here with us now. It's hard to think about moving into the new home without her. That was the whole reason we talked about moving. It seems at times that it gets easier, but then I have a day like today where I really miss her and yearn to hold her in my arms again. It is a pain that envelopes you and takes over. I don't think I'll ever be able to describe it in human terms. We still haven't gone to pick out a gravestone and I don't think I'm ready to. I think, deep down, it will mean that everything is final. That I have to truly let her go, put her dress and blankets away, and move on. I'm not ready to do that yet.

It's like a slap in the face every time I see someone with a baby, especially a little girl. I want to go up to them and ask them if they truly appreciate and know how lucky they are to have their baby. Maybe that's terrible of me to say, but it's how I feel right now.

Freddie and I feel like everyone around us is getting pregnant. Not that we aren't excited for them, we are. We just feel like it reopens our wounds. I wish our friends the best, but it is painful to think about not being able to make it nine months and miss our little girl.

Anyways, I'm sorry this is so depressing. I guess it's just how I feel right now. I've been trying to keep myself busy with friends and now that I'm sitting here by myself, I think I'm thinking about everything more.

I hope everyone is doing well...

Em

Great Friends

2009-05-30T09:53:00.000-07:00

I just want to take a moment to thank all of my wonderful friends. During this season of tragedy, you have been there for me no matter what. I appreciate each of you and what you represent in my life. We've shared laughs, tears, and the precious joy of our Sophia.

Thank you for always being there and becoming a part of the Caram family. We love you!

Em

Star-Telegram Obituary from May 22, 2009

2009-05-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

Anna Sophia Marie Caram, an infant, passed away Tuesday, May 19, 2009.Graveside service: 2 p.m. Saturday in Greenwood Memorial Park.Memorials: In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the March of Dimes.Anna was born May 19, 2009, in Fort Worth to Emily and Freddie Caram Jr.Survivors: Parents, Freddie Jr. and Emily Caram; grandparents, Paul and Victoria Hart, Freddie Sr. and Mary Caram; aunts, Amy Hart, Susan Caram and Cristi Caram; and uncle, Stephen Hart.

My Heart is Broken

2009-05-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

It's with tears streaming down my face that I write this. I've resisted putting anything on here for the past three weeks because I think in some ways, to me, it meant truly beginning to wrap my mind around everything that has gone on.

On Monday, it will have been three weeks since we learned the devastating news that our precious Anna Sophia had a condition called a cystic hygroma. This basically means that her nerves do not fully develop and cysts form on the back of her head and neck. The condition leads to severe swelling and ultimately heart failure. It was never a question that we would continue the pregnancy and pray for a miracle.

Four days later, I had to "celebrate" my graduation...imagine the complete and utter heartache of knowing your baby probably won't make it and still having to put a smile on your face for everyone around you and pretending to be happy. I was happy and proud of my accomplishment, but celebrating just wasn't what I felt like doing.

The next week, I hadn't felt Anna Sophia move, so we visited the OB for another sonogram to make sure she was okay. Her heartbeat was even stronger than before and we began to feel hopeful that maybe God would perform a miracle on our precious little one.

Unfortunately, this past Monday, during a routine visit to the perinatalogist, we were unable to find a heartbeat. Indeed, her tiny heart could not take the swelling and pressure any longer.

We checked into the hospital and began the long process of inducing labor. Over 34 hours later, Anna Sophia Marie Caram was born. She was 2 lbs. and 12 inches long. She had her daddy's beautiful lips and her mommy's nose. She had fingernails and toenails, tiny little ears, and nipples and would have been so beautiful. We got to hold her, pray a blessing over her, and baptize her. A professional photographer came and took pictures of her.

I don't think anyone can ever comprehend the devastating pain that comes after such an ordeal. My body is still doing all of the things it would naturally do if my precious little girl were still with me. Dealing with the physical changes and also all of the emotions is needless to say, not easy.

Shane, our pastor who married us, did the service for Anna Sophia today. He spoke of her soul enjoying the amazing wonders of heaven. She is experiencing God's presence and will meet us there one day.

It's so hard to know in my heart and by faith that all these things are true, but to also question why this has to happen. I see so many hurting, abused, neglected children in my profession. I can't help but wonder why God would allow those people to have a baby and those babies to go through so much pain when we would have provided such a loving, caring, nurturing, supportive, Godly home for our baby.

The only good thing that has come of this so far is that Freddie and I are drawing even closer together. Last night, he told Shane that he has fallen in love with me all over again. I feel the same way. I don't think either of us realized how much we love each other until now. Would I want this to all happen again?...NEVER...but I am SO thankful I have Freddie to lean on.

Finally, I want to thank all of my wonderful friends and family. I don't think words could ever express the appreciation Freddie and I have felt for you over the past few weeks. Your support, love, prayers, thoughts, cards, flowers, e-mails, etc. mean SOOOOO very much to us. God has so many blessings in store for each of you because I am praying that He is showering you with them.

For now, I will continue to pray for God's peace and grace over us in the coming weeks and months...

Officially Official

2009-05-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I graduated with a 4.0 with my Master's degree in Education Administration. I'm so excited, glad, and relieved. I couldn't have made it without my family. I love you all!

Lamentations 3:32 (NIV)

2009-05-11T04:41:00.001-07:00

"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love."

Savior, Please (Thank you, Deneise)

2009-05-07T06:28:00.000-07:00

Savior, Please (I think it's by Josh Wilson)

Savior, please take my hand I work so hard,
I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold on to me

I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me
Savior, please help me stand

I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because
You're all that I have

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold on to me

I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me
Hallelujah

Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

A Verse from a Friend

2009-05-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth; break forth, O mountains, into singing! For the LORD has comforted his people, and will have compassion on his suffering ones. But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me, my Lord has forgotten me." Can a woman forget her nursing child, or show no compassion for the child of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me. -Isaiah 49:13-16 (NRSV)

WOOHOO!!!

2009-04-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

I PASSED MY PRINCIPAL TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FELT THE BABY MOVE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-11T15:14:00.001-07:00

INSERT ONE BIG

:)

HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Casa de Caram

2009-03-24T04:53:00.001-07:00

Back to Work

2009-03-23T18:35:00.000-07:00

It's Monday...and as I type I'm sitting in the TCU library procrastinating work on a project I have due...Wednesday...

We had an amazing time in Cabo. I will post pics of us soon.

I'm exhausted and really just typing on here so I don't have to do this work, so I'd better go for now.

I hope you are having a great week! :)

1 John 3:18

2009-03-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

1 John 3:18 (New International Version)
"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

Cabo!!!

2009-03-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning, we leave for CABO!!! If you read my blog much, you are probably tired of hearing about it, but tough luck, you don't have to read! J/K

I can't wait! I L-O-V-E the beach and sometimes think I'm supposed to be living on one, but God's got me where He wants me right now.

I'm glad the weather has been so gorgeous this week for all my little BHE friends. They deserve a great week off! Meaning, students and teachers...

I hope you are all doing well and enjoying time with your friends and families.

PEACE & LOVE,
Em

Spring Break!!!

2009-03-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

I can't wait for tomorrow to be O-V-E-R!! We are going to San Antonio for the weekend to spend time with my parents.

Then, Wednesday morning, we head to CABO!! Sun, beach, relaxation, here we come! I can't wait to spend quality time with my favorite man.

I wish everyone else a wonderful spring break!!

LOVE & PEACE,
Emily

Two Years!!

2009-03-10T04:41:00.000-07:00

Today is our second wedding anniversary! I married THE most wonderful man and I am soooo blessed to have him in my life. I can't wait for our little one to come and share that with him, too!

I LOVE YOU FREDDIE!!!

Thank you for marrying me and making me sooo happy!

Second Trimester

2009-03-09T04:37:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, I will officially be 12 weeks. I can already feel a difference in my energy level. I think I overdid it a little bit this weekend while working in my yard. This is my favorite time of year and I love planting all my new flowers and a few veggies. This year, I did some tomatoes, jalepenos, and banana peppers. I may add a few more things depending on how much time I have in the next few weeks. I have TON of homework I should have been working on this weekend, but come on, the weather was TOO nice to not be outside!!

I'm so happy right now. Even though, I'm often uncomfortable and can never eat with out experiencing either a. heartburn, or b. nausea, I'm loving that their is a little miracle growing and developing inside my body. I can't believe how much I already love this little one. I can't imagine anyone carrying a child and not loving them or wanting them or treating them the ways I've seen some children treated.

Anyway, I've made it to my first milestone. I'm trying my best to eat well and get enough rest. I can't wait until May when we'll find out what gendar the baby is!

God bless you this week!

PEACE & LOVE,
Em

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-28T04:42:00.000-08:00

Good luck to everyone running the Cowtown!

I'm out because.....

I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Freddie is running the half-marathon I was training for for me. I got up to 9 1/2 miles and found out 2 days later that I was pregnant. I hate that I'm missing the run and the fun, but SO glad God blessed us with this new gift!! I can't wait to meet the little one and raise him/her in a loving, caring, respectful, and God-centered home. :)

If we have a girl, we want to name her: Anna Sophia Marie Caram

If we have a boy, we want to name him: Luke Stephen Caram

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I will be 11 weeks on Tuesday and 12 weeks on our 2nd wedding anniversary. I will be very glad to be through the first trimester and out of the woods. Our due date is September 22, 2009.

Freddie is VERY excited and been very attentive and loving. Looking at our first ultrasound, seeing that heartbeat, and holding hands and sharing that moment together was one of the most emotional and amazing experiences of my life. I can't imagine anyone ever being pregnant, carrying their baby for 9 months, and NOT loving and wanting their child. Children are a blessing and a gift from God!!

So, anyway, good luck to all of you who are running! I'll be there at mile 5 and at the finish line!

PEACE & LOVE,
Em

GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-14T14:03:00.000-08:00

So, today I told my parents THE good news! Most of you who read my blog already know what that good news is. I'm still waiting a few more weeks to REALLY share...for now, I'll let the rest of you make your own assumptions. ;)

SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-07T07:28:00.001-08:00

So, one of the perks of Freddie's job is that sometimes the copier dealers or leasing companies will have competitions to encourage more business. Last fall Kyocera had a competition that whoever sold the most of their equipment would win a trip to Vegas. Well, my number one salesman won! Yay! But, since we went to Vegas twice last year, Freddie asked his boss if we could apply to trip amount to another destination.

We wanted to take the trip during spring break, so we've spent the last few days looking up trips and deciding where to go. Well, ironically, we found a great trip BACK to Cabo San Lucas where we spent our honeymoon! We're even staying at the same hotel! We are both very excited and I think we've been working hard and deserve this much-needed break! I'm officially counting down the days until we leave --38--!!!

Sun, surf and sand, here we come!!!

Sentimental

2009-01-24T21:53:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a little bit sentimental and I LOVE this pic. I hope you are all having a great weekend!

Busy as a Bee

2009-01-17T11:45:00.001-08:00

This week has been very busy. It seemed like we had something going on every night! Freddie's working a lot which means a little bit later hours. I started class on Wednesday...2 classes in one night makes for one loooonnnnggggg day! I also got to hang out with my BFF Vanessa. We rarely get quality time for each other, so it's nice when we do. It usually lasts several hours of us catching each other up on everything we've had going on. She's such a sweet friend and a true blessing.

We took it easy last night and did some errands and then watched a movie at home. We definitely needed the night in together. I got up this morning and scrubbed my house down. It needed it BADLY! My brother and his girlfriend are coming in tonight to stay with us until Monday. I'm excited to hang out with him and meet his Rachel.

I LOVE long weekends! It will be a long way until Spring Break, so I'm just trying to soak it all in and enjoy it. I have a lot going on right now and haven't been feeling very well. It's hard to stay motivated to get everything done.

Mary's birthday is Monday, so we're going to eat with her and some friends tonight. Then Stephen and Rachel will get here.

On another note, I finished reading the Jon and Kate Plus 8 book this morning. It was a quick and easy read and a bit inspiring. She talks about all the struggles financially, emotionally, and physically while raising sextuplets and twins and how it has allowed her relationship with Christ to grow. I recommend it for a quick, upbeat read.

I posted a verse below last night. It's what's getting me through this busy time. I need to remember to calm down and rely on God's peace. Sometimes with work, school, and all the exciting things ahead, I forget to sit down and enjoy it. God's always here for me to provide His ultimate grace and peace....I'm very thankful for it!

Have a great weekend!

Love & Peace,
Em

John 14:27

2009-01-16T16:56:00.001-08:00

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Thank You

2009-01-12T17:05:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone for the sweet e-mails and texts. Things are going better. I got some good news today, but I need to take it easy for the next few weeks. I'm leaving everything in God's hands...where it should be! I'm trying to remain calm and seek His awesome will!

On another note...class starts Wednesday...I'm officially counting down...138 days until GRADUATION! Whoohoo!!!

Pensive

2009-01-11T17:05:00.001-08:00

This past week has been a bit busy and made me become extra thoughtful...

We started back at school and I truly am enjoying having my kiddos back. The week went by very SLOWLY! I swear, on Wednesday, I woke up thinking it was the following Monday...that's how long Tuesday was! And for no particular reason!

This weekend hasn't been very exciting. I'm taking it easy with the running (for medical reasons) and before I start classes again on Wednesday. Speaking of which...I can't wait until all of that is O-V-E-R! Friday night, we stayed in and watched a movie. Saturday night, we went to see 7 Pounds with Will Smith. It was VERY good and I highly recommend seeing it.

It you think about it, say a little prayer for me. I have a lot on my mind. I'm praying for God's peace this week, especially tomorrow.

I hope all of you faithful readers are having a wonderful weekend and a great week ahead!

PEACE & LOVE -
Em

And....I Have Tears

2009-01-06T17:49:00.000-08:00

So, I'm watching the Biggest Loser and a woman just said, "I've met the man of my dreams and I don't want to fake my life anymore."

How inspiring is that! She just might potentially be my favorite! I can't stand fakers...you go girl!

Let 2009 Begin!

2009-01-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

Today being the first day of the new year, I am doing a lot of thinking and reflecting about 2008 and what might come in 2009.

In 2008, I have done so many exciting things: traveled, went back to school, changed grade-levels (and now I work with the best team ever), started training for a marathon....

It's amazing how much can happen in a year, but also how quickly one year can go by. This year, I would really like several things to happen. I am a very goal-oriented person, so I thought I would jot down a few goals:

*Finish school
*Find a job as an administrator
*Continue decorating the upstairs of my home
*Spend more time with Freddie
*Travel more (Europe?)
*Grow in my relationship with Christ
*Be better about knowing that I can't do it all...I need to delegate!
*Continue training and run the Cowtown!

That's all for right now. I don't like the idea of resolutions, but goals. Resolutions are something that come and go by the end of January. For me, I'd rather think about the things I would like to accomplish in 2009.

Happy New Year to you all and my God bless you in 2009!!

PEACE & LOVE~
Emily

Blessed

2008-12-27T09:24:00.000-08:00

I must say, it has been a very merry Christmas for my family. We've had our tough times, and this Christmas, I am reminded of how blessed we are.

Freddie is THE best thing that has ever happened to me. Life with him has been so fun and this Christmas has been awesome. Santa finally brought him the drum set he's always wanted, so I know he's happy about that!

My family is amazing. I couldn't have asked for a more caring, and toughtful family. I can't wait for my parents to make the move up our way to Funky TOWN!

Finally, my BFFs. I have the best friends on Earth! Working with Mary and Meredeth everyday is a BLAST! I have many other wonderful friends, but not any pics handy. You know who you are!

So, aside from gifts, and material things, I wanted those that I love to know how blessed I am to have them in my life. Living each day with them is truly a gift...thank you for being special and wonderful and sharing life with me!