This week has been a tough one. I have missed Freddie's presence in our home since he died. His laughter, his jokes, his comfort, his smell, his voice, his calming ways, most especially, his fathering of Will. The last 8 or more months, I feel like I have been on autopilot. Waking up, putting my feet on the ground, and going.
I will not deny that Will and I have had some pretty amazing experiences this year. My promise to myself, after Freddie died, was that I would live my life in the fullest way I knew how. That I would take advantage of every opportunity to travel {that's what Freddie would want}. That I would do what I could to give Will real-life experiences. In some ways, I am beyond blessed and need to put more of my focus on that.
However, I am beginning to grieve the life I thought I would have. Not the material things, the house, the white picket fence, etc., but the life and experiences I thought I would have with my husband and my son. That life you dream of when you are walking down the isle, hand-in-hand, just announced "husband and wife". You know that one day, one of you will die, you just never imagine it being so soon.
Now I grieve every moment that I imagined having. Watching Freddie and Will play soccer or baseball. Taking trips together, seeing our favorite bands at concerts, sharing life, dreaming, praying together, believing together.
I mostly grieve for Will. The opportunities I feel that have been taken from him. He had the best daddy ever. Freddie was so in love, so passionate, so committed to his son. He wanted every moment he could have with our little boy.
People say "he's there, he can see you," but it is just not the same. Imagine a person you love more than anything being gone. Life is just never the same. Yes, he may see us from heaven. He may be cheering us on. But that is not the same as him being here with us, fathering our son, sharing our partnership and life together.
This breakdown has been tough. Anxiety-ridden, overwhelming, and all-consuming. I am thankful to the family and friends that continue to be there for us. Everyone's emotions are high, and anyone that believes it is my or my son's job to be their support or their anchor in their grief will have to face that we are barely holding on ourselves most days. I think Freddie was that anchor for so many people. And now he is gone. And I cannot be expected to carry on every.single.thing he did. I'm not always good at phone calls {especially the way Freddie was}. I'm not always good at reaching out when I am in pain. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and I don't want my suffering to affect those around me and bring them down.
For those friends and loved-ones that have supported us, been there, loved and prayed for us, I am so thankful for you. I do not know how I would live this life and I do not know any other way to live it, than to just keep going. And for now, that is what I will do.
Psalm 139
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Not Alone
After a very emotional day yesterday, I was comforted this morning when I heard these words sung by Phil Wickham "Safe":
To the one whose dreams have fallen all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own
But you're not alone
Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong it never lets you go
No you're not alone
You will be safe in His arms. You will be safe in His arms
The hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made, He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms
We faced a very difficult day yesterday as we remembered Freddie on his birthday. It was a day of ups and downs, but my friend comforted me when she said, "Just think, it's Anna Sophia's first birthday in heaven with her Daddy." Tears, sweet tears.
Grief is so hard. And dealing with the expectations of others and working through what I need to do for William often leaves me forgetting to take care of myself. I feel alone. I feel forgotten. My heart is broken. But, I need to remember to look for peace and comfort in Him and allow Him to hold and heal my heart.
To the one whose dreams have fallen all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own
But you're not alone
Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong it never lets you go
No you're not alone
You will be safe in His arms. You will be safe in His arms
The hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made, He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms
We faced a very difficult day yesterday as we remembered Freddie on his birthday. It was a day of ups and downs, but my friend comforted me when she said, "Just think, it's Anna Sophia's first birthday in heaven with her Daddy." Tears, sweet tears.
Grief is so hard. And dealing with the expectations of others and working through what I need to do for William often leaves me forgetting to take care of myself. I feel alone. I feel forgotten. My heart is broken. But, I need to remember to look for peace and comfort in Him and allow Him to hold and heal my heart.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Psalm 139
Today, as I am sitting, overwhelmed, crying at my computer, urged to write, moved to share, I am reminded of this Psalm that seems to find its way into my life at the hardest of times. He reminds me that I am never far from His spirit. I need only seek and ask for it. I am not hidden from Him. The darkness cannot hide Him from me. He knows my anxious thoughts, He knows my heart...
I sometimes hesitate to share. I don't want to seem like I over-share, or put my grief on blast. But, today, maybe my pain will help someone else through their day.
I sometimes hesitate to share. I don't want to seem like I over-share, or put my grief on blast. But, today, maybe my pain will help someone else through their day.
When you think of me and Will, please say a small prayer. We continue to put one foot in front of the other, in the hopes that we will find healing. That we will have peace. Nobody knows our sweet tears, shed in the quiet moments at home. Nobody sees this sweet boy yearn for his precious daddy, falling asleep each night looking at pictures of him. This pain can be lonely. It can be isolating.
So, in this painful moment, I remember this Psalm and pray for peace. For my son, for me, and for Freddie eternally.
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Finding Grace in the Grief
Wow. I just looked at my last post dated March 2nd. I can't believe it has been almost a year since I have written.
And now, there is so much to write...
What a crazy ride life has been for me...
I'm definitely learning to find grace in the grieving.
When I lost Anna Sophia almost 5 years ago, I went through such a dark, sorrowful time. I didn't understand why it happened. I didn't understand how to deal with it. And I didn't understand that it would take me going through it and dealing with it to get to the other side and find healing.
I definitely had no idea, at that time, that 5 years later, I would lose the love of my life.
November 6th, 2013, Freddie lost his battle with cancer.
It is so difficult for me to put into words the emotions and thoughts I have each day. I've now buried two of the three most important people in my life....in less than 5 years...
When Freddie was first diagnosed with cancer in May of 2011, of course my brain automatically went to "What if?" When you hear that word, when anyone hears that word, they wonder...Will I make it? Am I strong enough? Why me?
At that time, I couldn't imagine my life without Freddie. Will was only 5 months old. I was a stay-at-home mom believing that we were coming out of a dark time grieving our daughter and finally able to celebrate the new life God had brought into our family.
So many events, procedures, prescriptions, treatments, journeys, relationships, hardships were experienced during that time. I still don't even know if I know what true, honest faith is. I worried most steps of the way, but continued to believe that no matter what, God would get me through it. And now, I feel like I've learned so much more about faith.
I remember so many people praying for Freddie to be healed. Believing that there would be a miracle for him. And I remember thinking, "But what if there isn't?" How would that be a testament to God's ability to take care of His people? How would people learn that faith isn't always about getting the answers we want. Faith is believing, that no matter what, God will be there.
Do I feel that every day at every minute during every stressful, exhausting moment? No...but that is grace.
I remember it so clearly and vividly hitting me after Freddie's funeral while I was talking to a dear friend at the reception at Fort Worth Club. You see, expecting a miracle wasn't the only way that God could work through Freddie. I truly believe that Freddie's LIFE was a testament. His joy, his charisma, his generosity, his relationships, his loyalty, his laugh, his jokes...can't we all look at the way he lived and believe that God worked through him?
It sounds crazy to say that his death was sudden and shocking. He had cancer. But he had put on such a brave face to most around him that nobody expected him to go so unexpectedly and so suddenly.
November 5th, Freddie worked all day. He came home late afternoon and sat in my office as I worked and talked to me. Looking back, I realize there was something on his mind, but he wasn't ready to talk about it and I was wrapped up in the busyness of my job. He and I talked for a little bit about those daily mundane things married couples rarely get to talk about because there are never many minutes you have to devote to each other when you have kids. He left to see one last client and I left a few minutes later to pick up Will at school. I came home, made dinner, ate with Will, and Freddie came home not long after that. I remember apologizing that I made spaghetti. Freddie had a lot of stomach problems and sometimes the acidity of tomato sauce would bother his stomach. He said that it looked great and he was hungry. He went into the other room with Will and started eating. I was watching a TV show and cleaning up the kitchen. He suddenly came running through the room, getting sick to his stomach. I, of course, was worried the food had made him ill, but he insisted it wasn't that. He said he was scared. He had a lot on his mind. He finally broke down, in tears, and told me the doctor had called and said they found the cancer in his skull.
Freddie's biggest fear, during his entire cancer battle, was that the cancer would end up in his head.
I was in shock and looking back probably didn't say the perfect thing or most positive, supportive thing. But as we were talking, he began acting funny. His speech was garbled, and one side of his face started falling. I so distinctly remember saying, "I think you are having a stroke." and googling the symptoms and calling a friend. Her first response, of course, was, "Have you called 911?"
I didn't believe all of this was really happening. I called 911 and 10 minutes later had 15 or so people in my living room between fire fighters, EMTs, and neighbors. I remember the EMT saying, "Ma'am (you know it's serious when they say "ma'am".), I'm not trying to scare you, but I really do think he's had a stroke." They took him downtown and I followed shortly.
As I was backing out the car in the driveway, a good friend called and asked what was going on. I couldn't believe she even knew anything, but God has His mysterious ways. Our new neighbors' son is good friends with my god-daughter. He had text her when the emergency vehicles showed up and she told her parents...thank God.
I arrived at the hospital and Freddie was still getting an MRI of his brain. He came back not long after I had been there. He was semi-conscious and our good friend David soon arrived. We waited and waited and finally the doctor came in (mind you, we still are not in a real room, we are in the ER triage with a curtain around us), and again "ma'am, tell me what you know." I told the whole story of the cancer battle up to Freddie telling me they found it in his skull. The doctor nodded his head and said, "We've counted at least 17 tumors in his brain."
Shock.
Tears.
Disbelief.
To say that I wasn't grateful that I wasn't in that ER alone is an understatement. I truly believe God put David there so that I would have support. I remember sobbing with him and both of us not feeling like this was real. I calmed down and walked up to Freddie's bedside. I told him the doctor just came in and asked if he wanted to know what he said.
His response, "No. I heard him. I love you. I love William." And he began praying the Lord's Prayer.
"NO!" I screamed. "You're not leaving me! Don't do that! Don't talk like that!" But I truly believe, from that point, he began to let go. He was tired. He was suffering. And the last thing Freddie ever wanted was for Will and me to watch him suffer.
Friends started hearing the news. People arrived to visit. I went home for a few hours to shower, get a little sleep (visitors were not allowed at night in the ICU), and bring Will the next morning. When we arrived, I spoke with the doctor and the news was grave. He didn't know how much longer we had, but expected it to be a few weeks. Not half an hour later, the social worker was in the room asking us to make the decision to move Freddie to hospice. Freddie's family and two close friends and I made the decision. We wanted him to be comfortable and in peace. He arrived at hospice just before noon and less than 4 hours later, was at eternal peace. It was shocking. I remember walking into his hospice room wondering when I'd get home to get more clothes because I just knew we would be there for days/weeks. We weren't even there a day.
I share this story now because I truly believe I was only able to get through that day (it was less than 24 hours) because of my faith and the family and friends Will and I had surrounding us.
So, going back to faith...and wondering what it truly is...I believe it is believing that no matter what, somehow, God is going to give you the grace to keep going...even when you don't know how you will.
To say that the last three months have been exhausting, shocking, difficult, and unbelievable would be an understatement. Going from hearing your baby cry for his daddy to not really asking about him at all is heart-wrenching. Waking up each day and putting one foot in front of the other is a choice. It isn't always easy. It is very rarely enjoyable. But, I have a sweet, sweet little boy to keep me going. A boy who already sounds, laughs, acts, and jokes like his daddy. And that, my friends, is a legacy. That is finding grace.
And now, there is so much to write...
What a crazy ride life has been for me...
I'm definitely learning to find grace in the grieving.
When I lost Anna Sophia almost 5 years ago, I went through such a dark, sorrowful time. I didn't understand why it happened. I didn't understand how to deal with it. And I didn't understand that it would take me going through it and dealing with it to get to the other side and find healing.
I definitely had no idea, at that time, that 5 years later, I would lose the love of my life.
November 6th, 2013, Freddie lost his battle with cancer.
It is so difficult for me to put into words the emotions and thoughts I have each day. I've now buried two of the three most important people in my life....in less than 5 years...
When Freddie was first diagnosed with cancer in May of 2011, of course my brain automatically went to "What if?" When you hear that word, when anyone hears that word, they wonder...Will I make it? Am I strong enough? Why me?
At that time, I couldn't imagine my life without Freddie. Will was only 5 months old. I was a stay-at-home mom believing that we were coming out of a dark time grieving our daughter and finally able to celebrate the new life God had brought into our family.
So many events, procedures, prescriptions, treatments, journeys, relationships, hardships were experienced during that time. I still don't even know if I know what true, honest faith is. I worried most steps of the way, but continued to believe that no matter what, God would get me through it. And now, I feel like I've learned so much more about faith.
I remember so many people praying for Freddie to be healed. Believing that there would be a miracle for him. And I remember thinking, "But what if there isn't?" How would that be a testament to God's ability to take care of His people? How would people learn that faith isn't always about getting the answers we want. Faith is believing, that no matter what, God will be there.
Do I feel that every day at every minute during every stressful, exhausting moment? No...but that is grace.
I remember it so clearly and vividly hitting me after Freddie's funeral while I was talking to a dear friend at the reception at Fort Worth Club. You see, expecting a miracle wasn't the only way that God could work through Freddie. I truly believe that Freddie's LIFE was a testament. His joy, his charisma, his generosity, his relationships, his loyalty, his laugh, his jokes...can't we all look at the way he lived and believe that God worked through him?
It sounds crazy to say that his death was sudden and shocking. He had cancer. But he had put on such a brave face to most around him that nobody expected him to go so unexpectedly and so suddenly.
November 5th, Freddie worked all day. He came home late afternoon and sat in my office as I worked and talked to me. Looking back, I realize there was something on his mind, but he wasn't ready to talk about it and I was wrapped up in the busyness of my job. He and I talked for a little bit about those daily mundane things married couples rarely get to talk about because there are never many minutes you have to devote to each other when you have kids. He left to see one last client and I left a few minutes later to pick up Will at school. I came home, made dinner, ate with Will, and Freddie came home not long after that. I remember apologizing that I made spaghetti. Freddie had a lot of stomach problems and sometimes the acidity of tomato sauce would bother his stomach. He said that it looked great and he was hungry. He went into the other room with Will and started eating. I was watching a TV show and cleaning up the kitchen. He suddenly came running through the room, getting sick to his stomach. I, of course, was worried the food had made him ill, but he insisted it wasn't that. He said he was scared. He had a lot on his mind. He finally broke down, in tears, and told me the doctor had called and said they found the cancer in his skull.
Freddie's biggest fear, during his entire cancer battle, was that the cancer would end up in his head.
I was in shock and looking back probably didn't say the perfect thing or most positive, supportive thing. But as we were talking, he began acting funny. His speech was garbled, and one side of his face started falling. I so distinctly remember saying, "I think you are having a stroke." and googling the symptoms and calling a friend. Her first response, of course, was, "Have you called 911?"
I didn't believe all of this was really happening. I called 911 and 10 minutes later had 15 or so people in my living room between fire fighters, EMTs, and neighbors. I remember the EMT saying, "Ma'am (you know it's serious when they say "ma'am".), I'm not trying to scare you, but I really do think he's had a stroke." They took him downtown and I followed shortly.
As I was backing out the car in the driveway, a good friend called and asked what was going on. I couldn't believe she even knew anything, but God has His mysterious ways. Our new neighbors' son is good friends with my god-daughter. He had text her when the emergency vehicles showed up and she told her parents...thank God.
I arrived at the hospital and Freddie was still getting an MRI of his brain. He came back not long after I had been there. He was semi-conscious and our good friend David soon arrived. We waited and waited and finally the doctor came in (mind you, we still are not in a real room, we are in the ER triage with a curtain around us), and again "ma'am, tell me what you know." I told the whole story of the cancer battle up to Freddie telling me they found it in his skull. The doctor nodded his head and said, "We've counted at least 17 tumors in his brain."
Shock.
Tears.
Disbelief.
To say that I wasn't grateful that I wasn't in that ER alone is an understatement. I truly believe God put David there so that I would have support. I remember sobbing with him and both of us not feeling like this was real. I calmed down and walked up to Freddie's bedside. I told him the doctor just came in and asked if he wanted to know what he said.
His response, "No. I heard him. I love you. I love William." And he began praying the Lord's Prayer.
"NO!" I screamed. "You're not leaving me! Don't do that! Don't talk like that!" But I truly believe, from that point, he began to let go. He was tired. He was suffering. And the last thing Freddie ever wanted was for Will and me to watch him suffer.
Friends started hearing the news. People arrived to visit. I went home for a few hours to shower, get a little sleep (visitors were not allowed at night in the ICU), and bring Will the next morning. When we arrived, I spoke with the doctor and the news was grave. He didn't know how much longer we had, but expected it to be a few weeks. Not half an hour later, the social worker was in the room asking us to make the decision to move Freddie to hospice. Freddie's family and two close friends and I made the decision. We wanted him to be comfortable and in peace. He arrived at hospice just before noon and less than 4 hours later, was at eternal peace. It was shocking. I remember walking into his hospice room wondering when I'd get home to get more clothes because I just knew we would be there for days/weeks. We weren't even there a day.
I share this story now because I truly believe I was only able to get through that day (it was less than 24 hours) because of my faith and the family and friends Will and I had surrounding us.
So, going back to faith...and wondering what it truly is...I believe it is believing that no matter what, somehow, God is going to give you the grace to keep going...even when you don't know how you will.
To say that the last three months have been exhausting, shocking, difficult, and unbelievable would be an understatement. Going from hearing your baby cry for his daddy to not really asking about him at all is heart-wrenching. Waking up each day and putting one foot in front of the other is a choice. It isn't always easy. It is very rarely enjoyable. But, I have a sweet, sweet little boy to keep me going. A boy who already sounds, laughs, acts, and jokes like his daddy. And that, my friends, is a legacy. That is finding grace.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Long Overdue
I know it has been a while since I have posted, once again. We have had a very busy few months and the last thing on my mind has been blogging.
Since October, we have found out that there are some new spots on Freddie's back. There have been multiple tests ran, and we are actually currently at the hospital while he undergoes another PET scan. The doctors want to ensure that it is not affecting the bone on his spine or any of his spinal chord. Hopefully, these tests will also give them additional knowledge in knowing how we should move forward with treatment.
Freddie has also been very sick and extremely exhausted. This last cycle has been hard. The doctor has decided to lower his dosage, for now. He is on the highest dosage of any of his patients and responded well to the Sutent so far. Because it has shown such progress on the tumors around his lung, we are hoping to begin to see some of that progress on the other spots in his back.
I began a new job back in December. I'm working for an educational technology company called Agile Mind. We work with an education research arm of UT called the Charles A. Dana Center. My company publishes their work into teaching and learning systems that can be used to teach mathematics at the secondary level. I am very excited to be there. They are very forward-thinking and putting in all the best practices I learned while studying for both of my degrees. We work toward closing the achievement gap and transforming learning in the classroom. It is really neat to be a part of and I am excited for something new.
William continues to be our joy. His words are now endless and conversation is becoming very fun. Some of his favorite things are "choo-choos", iPad games, playing outside, rough-housing with Callie, puzzles, reading books, and pretty much expending as much energy as possible. He loves his new school and we are excited to see evidence of all that he is learning. I think it has been a wonderful transition for him. He is very social and loves to learn. He talks constantly about his teachers (which makes me wonder if my students talked about me that much! HA!). We feel so abundantly blessed to have him and thank God that He entrusted him to us. There is never a "tiss" (kiss), "te amo", snuggle, laugh, or dance-off far away and I find joy in these small moments (Freddie does too). It is so fun to share jokes and special moments together. Our favorite times continue to include just the three of us eating, laughing, playing, or watching a movie together. I can't wait to see what Will becomes and what God has in-store for him.
We continue to be humbled and grateful for the prayers and support of our loved ones. Trust me, they are all felt and deeply heard. God is teaching me so much about what it means to live in the moment. I continue to seek His daily grace and peace and trust that He will see us through this struggle. Cancer doesn't just affect your health. It tries to destroy your finances, your relationships, your faith, your trust, your confidence; basically your entire life. We continue fighting to keep that from happening. It is a daily, moment-to-moment burden, but we pray that one day we will hear those magical words "remission" and "cancer-free".
Thank you for enduring this with us and your constant thoughts and prayers. So many of you have come through, even on simple things, and you can only imagine how much they mean and how grateful we are for them. Please know that we fully appreciate every single one and hope that one day, we can return those favors - whether they are to you, or paid forward.
For now, we will rest in His peace and pray for His grace for today.
With Love,
Emily
Since October, we have found out that there are some new spots on Freddie's back. There have been multiple tests ran, and we are actually currently at the hospital while he undergoes another PET scan. The doctors want to ensure that it is not affecting the bone on his spine or any of his spinal chord. Hopefully, these tests will also give them additional knowledge in knowing how we should move forward with treatment.
Freddie has also been very sick and extremely exhausted. This last cycle has been hard. The doctor has decided to lower his dosage, for now. He is on the highest dosage of any of his patients and responded well to the Sutent so far. Because it has shown such progress on the tumors around his lung, we are hoping to begin to see some of that progress on the other spots in his back.
I began a new job back in December. I'm working for an educational technology company called Agile Mind. We work with an education research arm of UT called the Charles A. Dana Center. My company publishes their work into teaching and learning systems that can be used to teach mathematics at the secondary level. I am very excited to be there. They are very forward-thinking and putting in all the best practices I learned while studying for both of my degrees. We work toward closing the achievement gap and transforming learning in the classroom. It is really neat to be a part of and I am excited for something new.
William continues to be our joy. His words are now endless and conversation is becoming very fun. Some of his favorite things are "choo-choos", iPad games, playing outside, rough-housing with Callie, puzzles, reading books, and pretty much expending as much energy as possible. He loves his new school and we are excited to see evidence of all that he is learning. I think it has been a wonderful transition for him. He is very social and loves to learn. He talks constantly about his teachers (which makes me wonder if my students talked about me that much! HA!). We feel so abundantly blessed to have him and thank God that He entrusted him to us. There is never a "tiss" (kiss), "te amo", snuggle, laugh, or dance-off far away and I find joy in these small moments (Freddie does too). It is so fun to share jokes and special moments together. Our favorite times continue to include just the three of us eating, laughing, playing, or watching a movie together. I can't wait to see what Will becomes and what God has in-store for him.
We continue to be humbled and grateful for the prayers and support of our loved ones. Trust me, they are all felt and deeply heard. God is teaching me so much about what it means to live in the moment. I continue to seek His daily grace and peace and trust that He will see us through this struggle. Cancer doesn't just affect your health. It tries to destroy your finances, your relationships, your faith, your trust, your confidence; basically your entire life. We continue fighting to keep that from happening. It is a daily, moment-to-moment burden, but we pray that one day we will hear those magical words "remission" and "cancer-free".
Thank you for enduring this with us and your constant thoughts and prayers. So many of you have come through, even on simple things, and you can only imagine how much they mean and how grateful we are for them. Please know that we fully appreciate every single one and hope that one day, we can return those favors - whether they are to you, or paid forward.
For now, we will rest in His peace and pray for His grace for today.
With Love,
Emily
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Cancer
If I were to write my own definition of what this word means, it would be this: disease and destroyer of one's health, relationships, finances, and hope; creator of faith, hope, grace and thankfulness.
It's amazing to look back over the past year or so and see how much we have been through. I was just thinking the other day about where we were one year ago. I remember the feelings and fears I had trying to pack, organize, and plan for our family to live in an unfamiliar city for a short time. I didn't know how I would take care of a baby and a sick/recovering husband. I didn't know where we were going to stay or how we were going to afford it. I didn't know whether the surgery he was supposed to have would be successful. There were so many unknowns.
And yet, here I am one year later, with many more. But looking back, I would have never guessed we would be here.
Today, Freddie is undergoing treatment that seems to be having positive results on the cancer that has tried to destroy our family, our friendships, our finances, and our faith. I am not ashamed to admit that it isn't easy. There are days I wonder where God is and why I feel so deserted. There are days that are stressful and overwhelming. Times where I see our true friends step up and love us unconditionally and support us in the best ways they know how. Moments of sweetness, just the three of us...loving, living, and learning....
You see, as I have watched cancer try to take everything from my family, I have fought harder. As I look back over this time, I don't always think about the bad. I also think about the good. I cherish the moments I see my husband be an amazing father, I witness my husband fight harder and harder, with all that he has, and still wake up each morning with a smile on his face and a willingness to work as hard as he can to provide for his family. I see my son, mostly unfazed by it all, laugh, play, and grow with parents that love him with an indescribable love and joy for him.
I hope, that as we face this journey, that it continues. That we never take what we are learning and experiencing for granted. Much in the same way I have moments that I look at Will and thank God for him, especially after everything we went through with Anna Sophia. I realize the blessing that he is and feel like I cherish him even more, had I not gone through losing her.
I hope my son sees two people that love him and love each other and never want to lose sight of what is really important. Money, it comes and goes, health fades, beauty is short-lived. But love, faith, and mercy are forever.
Finally, I hope that as you read this, you think of the things you may have taken for granted. Although Freddie and I struggle, we still see how blessed we have been and are grateful for that. Our loved ones have reached out with their time, their efforts, their prayers, and their money to help us fight this battle. We are forever indebted to them.
Freddie and I have begun to feel the weight of something big. We don't know what it is or what it looks like, but we know it is coming. Our first steps in moving toward what God is doing is to begin to help others fight the battle that we have been fighting. We aren't totally sure how that is going to look or where that is going to be, but right now, it is in prayer and support of others close to us who are fighting for their health and their life as well.
Please continue to pray for our family. For our direction, our peace, and our faith as we continue to move forward. We are so grateful to anyone and everyone who has been there for us and we pray that God shows you His blessing and mercy in return.
We will know more about Freddie's current status in a few weeks, and I will share it when we do.
Take care and be blessed.
The Carams
It's amazing to look back over the past year or so and see how much we have been through. I was just thinking the other day about where we were one year ago. I remember the feelings and fears I had trying to pack, organize, and plan for our family to live in an unfamiliar city for a short time. I didn't know how I would take care of a baby and a sick/recovering husband. I didn't know where we were going to stay or how we were going to afford it. I didn't know whether the surgery he was supposed to have would be successful. There were so many unknowns.
And yet, here I am one year later, with many more. But looking back, I would have never guessed we would be here.
Today, Freddie is undergoing treatment that seems to be having positive results on the cancer that has tried to destroy our family, our friendships, our finances, and our faith. I am not ashamed to admit that it isn't easy. There are days I wonder where God is and why I feel so deserted. There are days that are stressful and overwhelming. Times where I see our true friends step up and love us unconditionally and support us in the best ways they know how. Moments of sweetness, just the three of us...loving, living, and learning....
You see, as I have watched cancer try to take everything from my family, I have fought harder. As I look back over this time, I don't always think about the bad. I also think about the good. I cherish the moments I see my husband be an amazing father, I witness my husband fight harder and harder, with all that he has, and still wake up each morning with a smile on his face and a willingness to work as hard as he can to provide for his family. I see my son, mostly unfazed by it all, laugh, play, and grow with parents that love him with an indescribable love and joy for him.
I hope, that as we face this journey, that it continues. That we never take what we are learning and experiencing for granted. Much in the same way I have moments that I look at Will and thank God for him, especially after everything we went through with Anna Sophia. I realize the blessing that he is and feel like I cherish him even more, had I not gone through losing her.
I hope my son sees two people that love him and love each other and never want to lose sight of what is really important. Money, it comes and goes, health fades, beauty is short-lived. But love, faith, and mercy are forever.
Finally, I hope that as you read this, you think of the things you may have taken for granted. Although Freddie and I struggle, we still see how blessed we have been and are grateful for that. Our loved ones have reached out with their time, their efforts, their prayers, and their money to help us fight this battle. We are forever indebted to them.
Freddie and I have begun to feel the weight of something big. We don't know what it is or what it looks like, but we know it is coming. Our first steps in moving toward what God is doing is to begin to help others fight the battle that we have been fighting. We aren't totally sure how that is going to look or where that is going to be, but right now, it is in prayer and support of others close to us who are fighting for their health and their life as well.
Please continue to pray for our family. For our direction, our peace, and our faith as we continue to move forward. We are so grateful to anyone and everyone who has been there for us and we pray that God shows you His blessing and mercy in return.
We will know more about Freddie's current status in a few weeks, and I will share it when we do.
Take care and be blessed.
The Carams
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Too Long
I can't even believe it has been over four months since I have posted anything. I've had several family members and friends mention that they miss my updates, but I guess I neglected to realize how long it had been. I've also had a lot of people asking for updates on Freddie, which made me return here.
He has now completed two cycles {4 weeks on, 2 weeks off is a cycle} on the drug Sutent. So far, he has responded well to the treatment. He is very rarely sick and seems to physically be feeling very well. We will not know more about how the drug is affecting the cancer until later this month when we travel to NIH again and does his routine scans, tests, etc.
Meanwhile, his blood sugar has become an increasing concern and he is now on medication to help control it. He also has to take blood pressure medicine with the Sutent because one side effect of the drug is increased blood pressure.
Thankfully, he is feeling physically well, staying busy with work, and trying to fit in the occasional run.
Mentally, we are both stressed. Cancer is a b****. It tries to take over your entire life and destroy everything in its path. We continue to try to fight it and believe that somehow, someway, we will overcome this.
It is often-times hard to not feel like you are in whole that you continue to dig yourself into. Our focus continues to be on our family and spending as much time together as we can.
Each of us faces struggle, but I sometimes wonder how much struggle is enough.
William continues to be our joy, our laughter, our dance, and our love. He makes each day special and worth having. I don't know where we would be without him and can't express how grateful we are for him. God truly has blessed us and for that, we are thankful.
As for me, I continue to play the balancing act with work and home {as any working mom does}. Some days are harder than others, but each day is worth it. I continue to try to support Freddie and Will as much as I can and shower them with love and appreciation {Admittedly, I'm not always very good at that. ;)}.
Thank you for lifting us up in your prayers and believing with us. We are beyond grateful for each person who has been there for us in any way. Life is tough and without people who love us, we wouldn't be where we are today.
I hope this update finds you well. Please love your family, friends, and life. Each day is special and should not be taken for granted.
Blessings and Love,
The Carams
He has now completed two cycles {4 weeks on, 2 weeks off is a cycle} on the drug Sutent. So far, he has responded well to the treatment. He is very rarely sick and seems to physically be feeling very well. We will not know more about how the drug is affecting the cancer until later this month when we travel to NIH again and does his routine scans, tests, etc.
Meanwhile, his blood sugar has become an increasing concern and he is now on medication to help control it. He also has to take blood pressure medicine with the Sutent because one side effect of the drug is increased blood pressure.
Thankfully, he is feeling physically well, staying busy with work, and trying to fit in the occasional run.
Mentally, we are both stressed. Cancer is a b****. It tries to take over your entire life and destroy everything in its path. We continue to try to fight it and believe that somehow, someway, we will overcome this.
It is often-times hard to not feel like you are in whole that you continue to dig yourself into. Our focus continues to be on our family and spending as much time together as we can.
Each of us faces struggle, but I sometimes wonder how much struggle is enough.
William continues to be our joy, our laughter, our dance, and our love. He makes each day special and worth having. I don't know where we would be without him and can't express how grateful we are for him. God truly has blessed us and for that, we are thankful.
As for me, I continue to play the balancing act with work and home {as any working mom does}. Some days are harder than others, but each day is worth it. I continue to try to support Freddie and Will as much as I can and shower them with love and appreciation {Admittedly, I'm not always very good at that. ;)}.
Thank you for lifting us up in your prayers and believing with us. We are beyond grateful for each person who has been there for us in any way. Life is tough and without people who love us, we wouldn't be where we are today.
I hope this update finds you well. Please love your family, friends, and life. Each day is special and should not be taken for granted.
Blessings and Love,
The Carams
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