Thirty

You may or may not be aware of the fact that in two days I will hit the big three-oh.  I can't begin to describe how I'm feeling this week looking back on the last thirty years of my life.

I have been through so much...especially over the course of the last 2-3 years.  I would have never envisioned my life going this way at this age...never thought I'd be talking about chemotherapy, have planned a funeral for my own child, or be so content with my life despite all that has occurred in such a short time.

I assume we all know we will face hardships...times of trials and struggles.  I admit, I sometimes look at other peoples' lives and think, "It's not fair. Why do they have it so easy?"  Am I alone?  {I doubt that I am.}

Please don't get me wrong.  I LOVE my life.  I have the most incredible, supportive, beautiful, amazing husband and son.  I have a God that loves me and lifts me up when I call on His name.  I have a home that I love, family and friends that amaze me, and a life that I could not have ever imagined for myself.

I wouldn't trade any of it. Nothing.  Of course, I wish my daughter was here, of course I wish my husband was healthy, of course I wish all these projects and updates were finished on my home.

There is so much on my plate right now.  I am trying to support, nurture, and love so many people.  I can't do it all, be it all.  I'm learning that I can only continue healthy, supportive relationships with people who support me 110% of the time...not throw knives in my back when they think I'm not listening or may not find out {trust me, I do}.  Or mock and criticize what I say, how I said it, or what I did and how I did it, etc.

Through all of this, I am learning who I am and what I am made of.  I'm learning that each morning is a new day full of mercy and grace and it is my choice to choose to live in it.  Every day I get to wake up to the sound of a precious little boy cooing and playing in his crib.  I get to share life with my two favorite people and take care of them.  I get to kiss my husband good night.  I get to have precious one-on-one time with my husband while he sits in a recliner and has poison pumped through his body.  I get to live in a home with a husband that I love and a child that I adore, even though it may not be perfectly decorated or cleaned.  I get to choose who I surround myself and my family with.  I get to cuddle and play with the cutest little boy...

My days may not be spent at the latest bars, the coolest clubs, in the company of popular people, or shopping at the greatest stores.  But, my days are spent well.  They are spent doing what I love and they are full of meaning.

I may not have the latest car, the most sought after house, or fashionable wardrobe.  I have so much more.

I have so many hopes, dreams, concerns, and ideas.  Please hang in there with me.  Please understand that I am one woman trying to live one life the best way I know how.  I make mistakes, but I will be the first to admit them and say I am sorry when I am wrong.

I may be rambling, but I guess what I think at the end of the day is that I am proud of the woman I am becoming.  All of these experiences have brought me to where I am today.  And if I could choose to do it over, I would.  Not because it was always easy or fun, but because I know where it has brought me and where it is taking me.

So, bring on the next 30.  I can't wait to see what is in store!