Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Breakdown in Grieving

This week has been a tough one.  I have missed Freddie's presence in our home since he died.  His laughter, his jokes, his comfort, his smell, his voice, his calming ways, most especially, his fathering of Will.  The last 8 or more months, I feel like I have been on autopilot.  Waking up, putting my feet on the ground, and going.

I will not deny that Will and I have had some pretty amazing experiences this year.  My promise to myself, after Freddie died, was that I would live my life in the fullest way I knew how.  That I would take advantage of every opportunity to travel {that's what Freddie would want}.  That I would do what I could to give Will real-life experiences.  In some ways, I am beyond blessed and need to put more of my focus on that.

However, I am beginning to grieve the life I thought I would have.  Not the material things, the house, the white picket fence, etc., but the life and experiences I thought I would have with my husband and my son.  That life you dream of when you are walking down the isle, hand-in-hand, just announced "husband and wife".  You know that one day, one of you will die, you just never imagine it being so soon.

Now I grieve every moment that I imagined having.  Watching Freddie and Will play soccer or baseball.  Taking trips together, seeing our favorite bands at concerts, sharing life, dreaming, praying together, believing together.

I mostly grieve for Will.  The opportunities I feel that have been taken from him.  He had the best daddy ever.  Freddie was so in love, so passionate, so committed to his son.  He wanted every moment he could have with our little boy.

People say "he's there, he can see you," but it is just not the same.  Imagine a person you love more than anything being gone.  Life is just never the same.  Yes, he may see us from heaven.  He may be cheering us on.  But that is not the same as him being here with us, fathering our son, sharing our partnership and life together.

This breakdown has been tough.  Anxiety-ridden, overwhelming, and all-consuming.  I am thankful to the family and friends that continue to be there for us.  Everyone's emotions are high, and anyone that believes it is my or my son's job to be their support or their anchor in their grief will have to face that we are barely holding on ourselves most days.  I think Freddie was that anchor for so many people.  And now he is gone.  And I cannot be expected to carry on every.single.thing he did.  I'm not always good at phone calls {especially the way Freddie was}.  I'm not always good at reaching out when I am in pain.  I don't want to be a burden to anyone and I don't want my suffering to affect those around me and bring them down.

For those friends and loved-ones that have supported us, been there, loved and prayed for us, I am so thankful for you.  I do not know how I would live this life and I do not know any other way to live it, than to just keep going.  And for now, that is what I will do.