Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Psalm 139

Today, as I am sitting, overwhelmed, crying at my computer, urged to write, moved to share, I am reminded of this Psalm that seems to find its way into my life at the hardest of times.  He reminds me that I am never far from His spirit.  I need only seek and ask for it.  I am not hidden from Him.  The darkness cannot hide Him from me.  He knows my anxious thoughts, He knows my heart...
I sometimes hesitate to share.  I don't want to seem like I over-share, or put my grief on blast.  But, today, maybe my pain will help someone else through their day.  

When you think of me and Will, please say a small prayer.  We continue to put one foot in front of the other, in the hopes that we will find healing.  That we will have peace.  Nobody knows our sweet tears, shed in the quiet moments at home.  Nobody sees this sweet boy yearn for his precious daddy, falling asleep each night looking at pictures of him.  This pain can be lonely.  It can be isolating.  

So, in this painful moment, I remember this Psalm and pray for peace.  For my son, for me, and for Freddie eternally.

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand
    when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.