5 Months

Today marks 5 months since I had Anna Sophia. I have to say, I was pretty proud of myself for making it all the way through the work day and not having to close my office door and have a private moment to shed a tear.

I did however, have an emotional breakdown this evening.

I LOVE Coldplay. When they first came out, I must admit, I was not a fan. I didn't like their first single very much in the beginning. Thankfully, my brother, sister, and Freddie convinced me otherwise and I started listening to the rest of their music.

During their concert this past summer they played this song. They passed out a live cd from one of their concerts on the same tour. EVERYTIME this song comes on in my car, I cry. I always replace "something" with "someone" in honor of my precious little girl.

Words still cannot describe or contain the love I feel for her each day. At some point, I'm going to have to let go of this pain and let God. I think I'm finally getting to that point. I have to thank my trainer, Heather, for part of that. Poor Heather. I listened to that song on my way to the gym this evening. At the end of my workout, she and I were talking about my goals and things I need to change. Heather finally said something to the effect of, "Emily, until you are okay with what you look like and allow yourself to heal, you may not see many changes. It's amazing how our emotions and stress can take such a toll on our bodies."

Okay. I'm going to have to agree with her. Heather is a great girl. She always gives me good, solid advice full of wisdom and faith. She is not just a trainer to me...she has been somewhat of a rock. We laugh, talk, and she allows me to whine and complain through each exercise. Heather, I pray God's richest blessings and favor over your life...thank you.

Below are the lyrics to "Fix You" by Coldplay:

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

U2

So, Sunday night, my amazing husband, Freddie, decided to look and see if he could find some tickets for the U2 concert the following night. i was pretty skeptical as he looked and did not get my hopes up.





Now, I love a good show. I have been spoiled by my music-loving husband to have gone to some good concerts over the past few years. But, I must say that U2 is THE one band I have always wanted to see live. Not that I am a HUGE fan, but I love their music and have always heard about how great they are live.





Luckily, Freddie was able to find some pretty great seats for the show and since I was off yesterday, I went and picked them up from the seller.





Here is a pic of us enjoying the show:

It was taken with my phone, so you'll have to wait for some better pics later. And, notice my semi-toned arm thanks to my amazing trainer, Heather. I've been working out hard with her 3 times/week over the last few months. You'd think it would look even better.

Anyway, we had a great time and I am truly blessed to have a husband that does such thoughtful, amazing things for me. I love him so much and feel so blessed to share my life with him.

Emily

September 22nd

Last Tuesday was September 22nd...otherwise known as my due date.

Thankfully, it was a very busy day for both Freddie and me. We both worked all day, had after work events to attend and ended the day with a nice, quiet dinner at Fort Worth Club.

I don't think words will ever describe the void I feel in our family. Anna Sophia will always be a missing piece of our family here on earth. We love her and miss her so much.

I think getting past that difficult day is somewhat of a relief. I'm beginning to feel like I can move on. Not that it isn't difficult to see pregnant women and babies anymore...it is...and it will be for quite a while. But I feel like I can now begin to move on.

It is hard to be asked, "So do you have any kids?"

We were at Freddie's 20th high school reunion this weekend and if I had a dollar for every time someone asked us that, let's just say I'd be shopping right now. I feel like I'm cheating or disregarding Sophia when I tell people we don't have any kids. On the other hand, talking about my stillborn, precious little girl is not exactly something you bring up during such a celebretory time.

I know everyone is probably sick to death of reading about my pain. But this is where I am...this is how I feel...and this blog is one of my outlets. Please be patient with me. I will be able to move on someday.

For now, I hope you all have a great week.

LOVE & PEACE,
Em

Bittersweet Happiness

I'm loving my job, my co-workers, this new school year. It's amazing how everything has worked out. Freddie and I got a wonderful new house, I have my new job, things are going well...BUT I would give it all up to have my baby Sophia in my arms. We both miss her so much. We cried together last night. The emptiness we feel is all-consuming. It takes our breath away.

I love being an assistant principal. I get to meet and greet kiddos each morning with a "Good Morning" as I open their car doors and welcome them to another day at school. I LOVE that I am supporting and caring for all 700 of them now...I LOVE meeting with them every day and getting to know all of them better. And I LOVE serving our teachers and supporting them!

I'm currently obsessed with my Spinning classes. I've started working out with a personal trainer and she is kicking my butt! She also teaches a couple of the Spinning classes I go to each week, so it pushes me even more. Pretty soon, I hope, this baby weight (or sadness weight you may call it) will come off.

I guess I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm still working on letting go of my anger. I don't understand God, or His plan, but I'm trying to let go. It's hard to understand why he would put a precious sweet blessing inside of me and take it away from two loving people like Freddie and me. I have to let it go and let Him move. I think the hardest part is understanding why I CONSTANTLY see pregnant people!! At church especially!

Anyway, I'm trying to move on and heal. That doesn't mean another baby in our plan right now, but it does mean focusing on my marriage and my new responsibilities and challenges. I'm loving that part of my life right now and trusting that God will give me the grace to get through the pain.

For Now,

LOVE and PEACE,

Emily

Three Months...

My baby girl Anna Sophia would have been 3 months old 2 days ago.  Sometimes the pain is so all-consuming that I feel short of breath.  Freddie and I miss her so much and feel her void in our home every day.

Pain

It's been two months since I had Anna Sophia. I miss her so much more every day. I wish I could hold her in my arms again and kiss her, hug her, rock her, and spend time with her. I ache to have her here with me.

WOOHOOO!!! GOD IS GOOD!!

So I guess God has given Freddie and I a little break!!

We are LOVING our new home. I'm loving that we picked it together and I get to start the whole decorating process all over! The dogs are loving the backyard. Freddie and I are both loving taking runs through our goreous new neighborhood. To think, we used to run through here dreaming about moving over here one day, and now, here we are. God is good.

In other news...My amazing principal of the last 4 years has been promoted. One of my amazing assistant principals was hired to take her place and she chose ME to be on of our new assistant principals!! I get to teach Gifted and Talented in the mornings and work in the office in the afternoons! It sounds pretty awesome to me. I still get to teach, which I love, and now I get to start working in the office and taking on a new challenge! Wish me lots of luck!!

Like I said, God is good. I still don't always understand His plan, but I'm beginning to trust Him more and more each day. Obviously, all those prayers being said for us are really helping!

For now,
PEACE and LOVE,
Emily