One Year Later...

Once again, I find myself driven to put my thoughts down.

This month, November 6th, marks one year since we lost Freddie.  It feels very surreal.  In some ways, I feel like I've lived a lifetime, but in other ways, I feel like it just happened.

I'm beginning to see healing for William and me.  Both of us moving forward, progressing, and accepting this new life.

We have been very blessed this last year with opportunities to travel, learn, and grow.

We have been especially blessed with our time at The WARM Place, a non-profit grief support center for children and their families.  Our time there has allowed us to meet other families living through grief and learn and grow from them.  I see Will beginning to express himself in better ways.  I have gained perspective and healing in meeting other families, hearing their stories, and sharing their feelings and pain.

Today was our last day, for now, at The WARM Place.  We were asked to share our hope in our grief.  I cried as I heard everyone share their hopes.  I realized how similar our hopes are and once again, realized I am not alone.  There are other families experiencing loss, looking for direction, living on hope and grace, and trying to find their way to a place of healing.

I find myself in an interesting stage.  A stage where I miss Freddie and his laughter, his jokes, his caring of Will and me, and our closeness and intimacy.  I miss having that bond and knowing what he was thinking before he said it.  I miss my best friend and life partner.  And I think most of these things I will forever feel about him.  Nobody will ever replace him, our love, and what he was in my life and in Will's life.

At the same time, I am picking myself up, moving on, and growing.  Looking for new experiences, meeting new friends, and building new relationships.  I am learning that I can be happy.  That I can miss Freddie, but find peace and hope, and that my heart is growing.

I am learning that so many of the things I believed before are not necessarily changing, but maybe my perspective is.  My faith, my belief system, my feelings about other people and the world around me.  I am learning to give other people grace.  I am learning to set boundaries.  I am learning where I want to spend my time and with whom.

As Will and I enter this next phase, please continue to pray for us, knowing that each prayer is felt, heard, and hoped for.  Please pray for wisdom as I parent my son and lead our home.  And please know that each prayer is so appreciated.

I continue to try to live my promise to Freddie, Will, and myself - to travel, experience life, and grow.  To provide every opportunity I can for our son.  To keep Freddie's memory, laughter, and spirit alive in our lives and in our home.

These next few weeks/months will be difficult.  The holidays were hard last year, but we were still so numb.  I find myself wanting to break tradition.  Wanting to have new experiences and memories.  And I hope, in so doing, that I can be in the moment with William, enjoying our new memories, remembering Freddie, but not dwelling on the pain of his loss.

I'll leave here for now...with a few beautiful images Arden Prucha Jenkins took of the Carams a few weeks ago.  She did our family pictures 3 years ago and I love the way she can capture sweet moments of love and beauty.

Happy holidays and may you find peace, love, grace, and hope as you celebrate and begin a new year.